Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friends for Life
Shortly after Eric and I found out he had cancer, we were instructed to come to the doctors office for a chemo class to learn what to expect and how to deal with the side effects of chemo. There sitting next to us was another couple who were also trying to cope with the news of cancer. Both our husbands were scheduled to start chemo the same day. As the weeks passed a friendship was quickly obtained, the support that someone can lend that is going through the same thing is irreplacable. Having someone to talk to during the long hours of sitting in the infusion room, and there for you when you are apart just to hear the latest and giving you a kind word of support. Our hopes for both of our husbands to be cured were in line to be finishing up chemo around the same time, both of our situations took a different road and the battle was yet won. Eric is now in remission, and he is still fighting. Fighting for his life, a beautiful wife, and four kids that need him. My heart weighs heavy tonight, wanting the same success for them as we have found. This disease is one of the scariest things I have been faced with in my life. You are helpless hoping for a cure, and not having time to waste on mistakes in treatment plans, as the bad only gets worse with time. Grateful we are so lucky to be where we are at today, and wishing so badly that their victory will soon be won.
Remission
Wow! I have a lot to catch up on. We have been home from Utah for two weeks now. Eric's srugery was an absolute success. The morning of surgery we were both in good spirits, but nervous. I was so grateful when we arrived as sweet Aimee, Emma, and Mila were there to greet us upon our arrival at 5: 45 am. The staff was prompt to get Eric back and prepared for surgery. When we had to say goodbye he looked back at me and said, "See you on the otherside". To all of you reading this, that is not the best thing to say to your loved one when you are going in for a major surgery, he thought he was pretty funny! Aimee and the girls were so nice to have there waiting with me, it was nice to have someone to talk to and distract me from my emotions and worries. He was in surgery for about 5 hours, and the doctor removed 25 lymph nodes. Only 2 of the 25 were cancer, and thankfully turned out to be teratoma cancer which had to be surgically removed.
The weeks following surgery were tough, but good. We spent five days at the hospital, the staff and everyone at Huntsman were great. They were very caring and did an exceptional job to keep the pain as minimal as possible. He went about 3 days without food and water, they had him on an IV and he was able to spounge his mouth as needed, but had to wait patiently for his bowels to wake up before he could have any food. He absolutley loved having an epidural, it kept his abdomen numb so the pain was easily managed. The most painful part was driving from the hospital to Eric's parents home where we would spend the next several weeks recovering.
The recovery was slow, but enjoyable. It was nice being surrounded by our families and getting the extra support. It took about two weeks for him to feel well enough to get up and moving much in the day. He would take short walks in the hospital and around the house, but within about two weeks he was to the point that we would take a short walk outside, or he was able to sit up at the dinner table every once in awhile for a meal. By the time we returned home, he was getting around a lot better, but was still needing a lot of rest in the day. He started to cut back on his pain pills as he was looking forward to returning to work and getting back to normal life.
We were on a high of excitement hopeful that they got all of the cancer, and starting to feel like life was getting back to normal. Our return home was a quick realitly check that we still had to get the final word on the success of his overall treatments. We prayed fervently that the news would be good, and for the time being were just happy to be feeling good. We met with the doctor the Monday after we got back and by Thursday the results were in on his blood work and all of his hormone levels were normal! What great news! He is in remission! He was able to get his medical back at work and just recertified so he can start controlling planes again! He will do blood work and a chest scan again in November. So for the time being we are taking in every moment of this beautiful life we have been blessed with and are so grateful to be enjoying the simple things of life. For me waking up to a sweet baby boy knocking on his door calling for mama (he learned how to climb out of his crib, so we upgraded him to a twin bed...but had to reverse a lock on his door to keep him in there!) seeing the furry man laying next to me, getting a lunch packed and kissing my husband goodbye, spending the day with the cutest little boy in the world teaching him new things, and listening to him walk around all day asking for Dada as he has now spent the last 5 weeks seeing him every day, watching him greet his Dad as soon as the garage door opens, kissing my husband with the baby boy in his arms, dinner as a family, nightly bubble blowing outside, scriptures and prayers, singing and relishing in the small moment in each day that my baby boy wants to cuddle in my arms, tucking him in to bed, and enjoying a few hours each night with the most amazing man in my life. This is what makes my life worth living each day.
The weeks following surgery were tough, but good. We spent five days at the hospital, the staff and everyone at Huntsman were great. They were very caring and did an exceptional job to keep the pain as minimal as possible. He went about 3 days without food and water, they had him on an IV and he was able to spounge his mouth as needed, but had to wait patiently for his bowels to wake up before he could have any food. He absolutley loved having an epidural, it kept his abdomen numb so the pain was easily managed. The most painful part was driving from the hospital to Eric's parents home where we would spend the next several weeks recovering.
The recovery was slow, but enjoyable. It was nice being surrounded by our families and getting the extra support. It took about two weeks for him to feel well enough to get up and moving much in the day. He would take short walks in the hospital and around the house, but within about two weeks he was to the point that we would take a short walk outside, or he was able to sit up at the dinner table every once in awhile for a meal. By the time we returned home, he was getting around a lot better, but was still needing a lot of rest in the day. He started to cut back on his pain pills as he was looking forward to returning to work and getting back to normal life.
We were on a high of excitement hopeful that they got all of the cancer, and starting to feel like life was getting back to normal. Our return home was a quick realitly check that we still had to get the final word on the success of his overall treatments. We prayed fervently that the news would be good, and for the time being were just happy to be feeling good. We met with the doctor the Monday after we got back and by Thursday the results were in on his blood work and all of his hormone levels were normal! What great news! He is in remission! He was able to get his medical back at work and just recertified so he can start controlling planes again! He will do blood work and a chest scan again in November. So for the time being we are taking in every moment of this beautiful life we have been blessed with and are so grateful to be enjoying the simple things of life. For me waking up to a sweet baby boy knocking on his door calling for mama (he learned how to climb out of his crib, so we upgraded him to a twin bed...but had to reverse a lock on his door to keep him in there!) seeing the furry man laying next to me, getting a lunch packed and kissing my husband goodbye, spending the day with the cutest little boy in the world teaching him new things, and listening to him walk around all day asking for Dada as he has now spent the last 5 weeks seeing him every day, watching him greet his Dad as soon as the garage door opens, kissing my husband with the baby boy in his arms, dinner as a family, nightly bubble blowing outside, scriptures and prayers, singing and relishing in the small moment in each day that my baby boy wants to cuddle in my arms, tucking him in to bed, and enjoying a few hours each night with the most amazing man in my life. This is what makes my life worth living each day.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Desperate
This last week has been another week of hard news. The scan that Eric had completed revealed that there is still a mass in his lymph node. We met with the urologist at Huntsman on Tuesday, and he confirmed that surgery is needed. It has shrunk about 50% from the original scan, but at this point they do need to remove any lymph nodes that are still showing signs of the disease. His surgery is scheduled for August 15th. This is a massive surgery, the incision will start at his chest and follow down the center of his abdomen below his belt line. They pretty much have to take out all of your intensines and organs in order to get to the lymph nodes as they lay along your spine. The doctor said that the surgery can take anywhere from 6-20 hours. He does not expect it to go much longer then 6 hours, he feels that Eric's situation is pretty straight forward and there shouldn't be very many complications. He will go into the area and dissect any of the tissue that shows signs of cancer. Once everything has been removed they will complete a biopsy on the tissue/tumor to determine what type of cancer it is that is left. They said that there is about a 30% chance that it could be dead tissue, 40% chance that it is teratoma cancer (which cannot be killed by chemo) and a 30% chance that it could be other types of cancer. If it is anyother type of cancer besides teratoma, he will have to do further chemo after the surgery. This of course would not be a good thing as at this point they would have to give him a very high potent chemo drug.
One of the major areas of concern with this surgery that is hard to preserve, is the nerves that function your ejaculation. The nerves are intertwined in the area that they will have to remove tissue from and get through to remove the cancer. The doctor felt that he will likely be able to preserve the right side of his nerves, but was not very confident in the left side. He just simply said that they would do their best, but unfortunatley it is one area they they cannot make any guarantees. Another area of concern is the kidney, the placement of these lymph nodes is near the kidney and sometimes that organ can be damaged during the surgery. He did not feel that there was much concern in Eric's situation as the tumor is not very big, so he didn't think this was a real area of concern for Eric, but he mentioned as there can be problems.
Recovery from this is going to be a long process. He will be in the hospital for about 5-7 days. They have to starve you for a few days until you show signs that your bowels are functioning. Once he is showing signs that they are working they will then slowly allow you to eat to make sure everything is in working order. They will give him an epidural for pain management for a few days after the surgery. Then once released from the hospital it can take about 6 weeks until you are starting to feel somewhat normal, and full recovery is about 3 months.
This whole situation begins to get a little more frightening each day. You wonder what the future holds, and if this is what life is going to continue to bring. We overcome one thing that is expected to take care of the cancer only to learn that something else is needed. Our doctor is confident that we are continuing on the right steps to overcome this, and told Eric that he expects him to live a long life. The most frightening thing that he said is that if in fact it is teratoma cancer and it isn't removed in a timely manner that it can morph into other types of cancer, and he said quite frankly that those patients die. To know that you are potentially one step away from this possibility is not a comforting thought. I am not focusing on these thoughts, but am remembering the blessings that he has received and the peace that I feel in knowing that he will overcome this. I have faith that the surgeons hands will be guided and he will be able to remove the cancer with little complications or further damages. I know that this is going to be a hard thing to witness, to sit by quietly and continue to watch the pain and suffering that Eric bares. With nothing more to offer then my love and support for him. Wishing at some point that I could take his place and give him a break from his pain, and at the same moment being reminded that there is already one that has felt his pain and suffering. And I can be an instrument in his hands to aid Eric through this. My prayer today is that I can be trusted and capable to do exactly that.
One of the major areas of concern with this surgery that is hard to preserve, is the nerves that function your ejaculation. The nerves are intertwined in the area that they will have to remove tissue from and get through to remove the cancer. The doctor felt that he will likely be able to preserve the right side of his nerves, but was not very confident in the left side. He just simply said that they would do their best, but unfortunatley it is one area they they cannot make any guarantees. Another area of concern is the kidney, the placement of these lymph nodes is near the kidney and sometimes that organ can be damaged during the surgery. He did not feel that there was much concern in Eric's situation as the tumor is not very big, so he didn't think this was a real area of concern for Eric, but he mentioned as there can be problems.
Recovery from this is going to be a long process. He will be in the hospital for about 5-7 days. They have to starve you for a few days until you show signs that your bowels are functioning. Once he is showing signs that they are working they will then slowly allow you to eat to make sure everything is in working order. They will give him an epidural for pain management for a few days after the surgery. Then once released from the hospital it can take about 6 weeks until you are starting to feel somewhat normal, and full recovery is about 3 months.
This whole situation begins to get a little more frightening each day. You wonder what the future holds, and if this is what life is going to continue to bring. We overcome one thing that is expected to take care of the cancer only to learn that something else is needed. Our doctor is confident that we are continuing on the right steps to overcome this, and told Eric that he expects him to live a long life. The most frightening thing that he said is that if in fact it is teratoma cancer and it isn't removed in a timely manner that it can morph into other types of cancer, and he said quite frankly that those patients die. To know that you are potentially one step away from this possibility is not a comforting thought. I am not focusing on these thoughts, but am remembering the blessings that he has received and the peace that I feel in knowing that he will overcome this. I have faith that the surgeons hands will be guided and he will be able to remove the cancer with little complications or further damages. I know that this is going to be a hard thing to witness, to sit by quietly and continue to watch the pain and suffering that Eric bares. With nothing more to offer then my love and support for him. Wishing at some point that I could take his place and give him a break from his pain, and at the same moment being reminded that there is already one that has felt his pain and suffering. And I can be an instrument in his hands to aid Eric through this. My prayer today is that I can be trusted and capable to do exactly that.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Latest Update
Just a quick update, we haven't found out any further information. Our doctor wanted Erics CT rescheduled, as he decided to do one last round of chemo last friday. We finished that, and had the CT scan done this morning. We are meeting with the doctor this Friday to hopefully go over the results of the scan. Our doctor wanted us to find a urologist that we trusted to do the surgery in case it is needed so he can also look over the scan and the two doctors can collaborate. We have an appointment scheduled with a urologist that Eric has done a lot of research on in Salt Lake. So hopefully by Friday we should at least know what direction we are headed! Thanks to all of you for your love and prayers!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Almost Over!
First I need to apologize for the time it has taken me to post, as I am sure there have been some waiting for an update on what has been going on. These last few weeks have been hard ones. Eric's body has become weaker and weaker with every round of chemo. This last week with the fourth of July holiday, they gave Eric his five days of chemo within four days. He was immediately wiped out, each day the side effects just worsened. He has spent the weekend in bed, sick. He is so worn out from this, and it takes everything within him just to get up out of bed. He was actually feeling somewhat better this morning and was able to get up out of bed for a little while, but that only lasted for an hour and he was back to bed. The sores in his throat have gotten worse with this round of chemo, and he is just sick to his stomach all of the time. The doctor tried giving him a patch for his nausea, but it hasn't seemed to help much. He explained to me today that his entire body just feels like it is weighing him down, that all of his organs and everything combined just feels sluggish and heavy. He has a hard time sleeping during the day because all of the medication keeps his mind wired, so he just lays in bed with his eyes shut totally exhausted. I can't imagine feeling as sick as he does that it seems too much to even lay with your eyes open. I just keep trying to remind him that the worst is over, and now it is time to regain his strength and start feeling better. One of the hardest things through all of this has been the process of getting knocked down, finally regaining his strength and starting to feel okay, and then submitting yourself to do it over and over again. I am just glad to finally be able to be telling him that it's not going to happen again, he has made it to the end of this dreaded chemo!
Last week the doctor wanted Eric to get a pulmonary function test to see how his lung capacity is, the drug bleomycin that he has been getting every Tuesday can cause permanant damages to your lungs, and they are concerened that Eric may be at the max amount that he can be given without causing damages. But because of how sick Eric was, he wasn't able to do the test. Tomorrow morning I'll have to take him to have that done, as he has to complete it before Tuesday so they can know if they are okay to give him a final dose of this chemo. I am hoping that he will be feeling well enough to get out of bed in the morning and make it to the hospital to do this. Then on Tuesday once we have the results from the test, he will have the final dose of chemo.
Later in the week we have his CT scan scheduled to check the progress of the cancer. This scan will help determine if the RPLND surgery will be needed. We are praying our hearts out that he won't have to have this surgery. He is absolutely dreading this possibility. I can't imagine at this point how his body will be able to take it, but whatever the outcome I know that the Lord will strengthen him to do what is needed. I am anxious to hear what the next steps will be and hopeful that the chemo has been enough to kill the cancer. I can't wait for the day to see Eric functioning normal again and just to see him do everything that he wants to do.
Last week before he started this round of chemo he recieved a priesthood blessing from one of our friends. In this blessing he was blessed with the ability to again be able to play with Kaizen, this was a very sacred moment for us. Eric has often looked at Kaizen and wished so badly that he could be on the ground playing with him and has been hard for him to just sit and watch. To hear this in his blessing was just another testament that our Heavenly Father is mindful of our desires. This isn't anything that anyone knew was bothering Eric except for me, and those words were spoken not by mistake, but as a witness in our home that our Savior is here. Our Father is hearing our prayers and continues to send his ministering angels to bear us up.
Throughout these last few weeks a song keeps coming to my mind as I receive little bits of inspiration and confirmation from the Holy Ghost. It is the song I Feel My Saviors Love.
I feel my Saviors love in all the world around me
His spirit warms my soul through everything I see
He knows I will follow him give all my life to him
I feel my Saviors love, the love he freely gives me.
I have had small moments, that the spirit has come and witnessed to me that my Savior is here and loves me. That he is mindful of my needs, and continues to administer to me through the service of others. He is the creator of all things, of life itself, and of me. As a parent you get a small glimpse of what joy it is to create life, and with that joy comes a great love. A love that cannot be explained like any other. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and loves Eric his son. We have much to learn in this life to one day obtain our goal to become like him. I stand ready and listening and asking for his help to become the daughter he sees in me.
Last week the doctor wanted Eric to get a pulmonary function test to see how his lung capacity is, the drug bleomycin that he has been getting every Tuesday can cause permanant damages to your lungs, and they are concerened that Eric may be at the max amount that he can be given without causing damages. But because of how sick Eric was, he wasn't able to do the test. Tomorrow morning I'll have to take him to have that done, as he has to complete it before Tuesday so they can know if they are okay to give him a final dose of this chemo. I am hoping that he will be feeling well enough to get out of bed in the morning and make it to the hospital to do this. Then on Tuesday once we have the results from the test, he will have the final dose of chemo.
Later in the week we have his CT scan scheduled to check the progress of the cancer. This scan will help determine if the RPLND surgery will be needed. We are praying our hearts out that he won't have to have this surgery. He is absolutely dreading this possibility. I can't imagine at this point how his body will be able to take it, but whatever the outcome I know that the Lord will strengthen him to do what is needed. I am anxious to hear what the next steps will be and hopeful that the chemo has been enough to kill the cancer. I can't wait for the day to see Eric functioning normal again and just to see him do everything that he wants to do.
Last week before he started this round of chemo he recieved a priesthood blessing from one of our friends. In this blessing he was blessed with the ability to again be able to play with Kaizen, this was a very sacred moment for us. Eric has often looked at Kaizen and wished so badly that he could be on the ground playing with him and has been hard for him to just sit and watch. To hear this in his blessing was just another testament that our Heavenly Father is mindful of our desires. This isn't anything that anyone knew was bothering Eric except for me, and those words were spoken not by mistake, but as a witness in our home that our Savior is here. Our Father is hearing our prayers and continues to send his ministering angels to bear us up.
Throughout these last few weeks a song keeps coming to my mind as I receive little bits of inspiration and confirmation from the Holy Ghost. It is the song I Feel My Saviors Love.
I feel my Saviors love in all the world around me
His spirit warms my soul through everything I see
He knows I will follow him give all my life to him
I feel my Saviors love, the love he freely gives me.
I have had small moments, that the spirit has come and witnessed to me that my Savior is here and loves me. That he is mindful of my needs, and continues to administer to me through the service of others. He is the creator of all things, of life itself, and of me. As a parent you get a small glimpse of what joy it is to create life, and with that joy comes a great love. A love that cannot be explained like any other. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and loves Eric his son. We have much to learn in this life to one day obtain our goal to become like him. I stand ready and listening and asking for his help to become the daughter he sees in me.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Humility
Today has been a beautiful day. Our bishop asked our ward to join in fast on Eric's behlaf. As Kaizen and I loaded up to go to church, I was already filled with the spirit. It was humbling to go to church, knowing that so many of our ward members are offering up prayers on our behalf. Sitting in a congregation knowing that so many surrounding me are joining in prayer asking for Heavenly Father to give Eric the strength to overcome this. The power of prayer is real, I know that it is a simple thing that can bring great miracles. I have witnessed my prayers being heard and answered, and am grateful to know that I can continue to receive answers to my prayers. There have been times in my life that my prayers have been monotonous. When there has been a lack of thinking and pondering about the things that I pray for. I pray and thank Heavenly Father for the usual things that I am undoubtly thankful for, but don't pause to simply think. It is in times of trial that I often find my prayers becoming more meaningful, when my heart is broken and prayer is the only thing that can offer a deep sense of comfort and peace.
A few weeks ago we sat around the dinner table with friends and their little girl said the prayer over dinner. In her prayer she asked to bless Eric to feel better. A few nights ago a friend brought a card over for Eric that their young daughter had made, and he told us that she too asks for Eric to be blessed. These young kids are praying because of the prayers that they hear their parents saying. These kind words that are being offered up to bless my family are humbling.
D&C 112:10 reads Be thou humble and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answers to thy prayers. Trials are put before us to humble us so we can learn. As I read today in the topical guide under humility most of the scriptures imply that it is through humility that God can teach us. I hope one day that I can improve myself enough that I can be taught the things that I need to learn without first having to be humbled. To even ponder for a moment, on who I would be if I would always have humility in my heart. This a charachteristic I hope to obtain and carry with me always. I am grateful to know that I as I put my trust in Heavenly Father that he will lead me by his hand. I have seen his love, I have felt his spirit lift me up. I have been humbled this day knowing that there are many who are mindful of my family.
A few weeks ago we sat around the dinner table with friends and their little girl said the prayer over dinner. In her prayer she asked to bless Eric to feel better. A few nights ago a friend brought a card over for Eric that their young daughter had made, and he told us that she too asks for Eric to be blessed. These young kids are praying because of the prayers that they hear their parents saying. These kind words that are being offered up to bless my family are humbling.
D&C 112:10 reads Be thou humble and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answers to thy prayers. Trials are put before us to humble us so we can learn. As I read today in the topical guide under humility most of the scriptures imply that it is through humility that God can teach us. I hope one day that I can improve myself enough that I can be taught the things that I need to learn without first having to be humbled. To even ponder for a moment, on who I would be if I would always have humility in my heart. This a charachteristic I hope to obtain and carry with me always. I am grateful to know that I as I put my trust in Heavenly Father that he will lead me by his hand. I have seen his love, I have felt his spirit lift me up. I have been humbled this day knowing that there are many who are mindful of my family.
Monday, May 30, 2011
What a Week
I have been feeling bad taking so long to update everyone on this last week. My last post I was so suprised by how well Eric was handling the chemo. Wednesday came and I saw an immediate change in him. It has been a rough week. Eric became very weak and tired. He slept through chemo each day and would come home and sleep all night. By the time Friday came I wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to handle another day, but he did it. He literally has spent the last six days in bed. He has hardly had the strength to get out of bed for any reason. On Saturday morning I had to take him to the doctor to get a shot for his white blood cells, unfortunatley they schedule everyone to come in by 8 am, so he was not too happy with the early wake up call to go back to the doctor. He hasn't been talking much over the last few days, this last week really just took everything out him. He has been pretty sick to his stomach, his sore throat has come back, he keeps getting dizzy spells, but overall the worst part has been the exhaustion.
I have had a few neat experiences over the last couple of days. The other night climbing into bed, I laid next to Eric and cried a bit laying with my face on his back. I was thinking about how in life we all have our challenges to overcome, there are so many people that have challenges that I question if I would be able to overcome. The tragedy of losing a parent as a young child, or a parent losing a child, or even listening to a military family on Sunday that has sacrificed their husband and father on numerous occasions to serve willing to loose his life for our country. And I couldn't help but sit and be grateful for the heart that I could hear beating in my ear, and knowing that when the sun rises in the morning, that the beautiful green eyes next to me would flutter open for me to see. Yes this time is hard, but I am grateful to know that we are given trials in which we can overcome, and it is through the atonement of the Savior that makes it possible. Eric and I are not physically or emotionally strong enough on our own to get through times likes these, but it is through the perfect love of our Savior that makes us whole.
I was also reflecting on the atonement and the suffering in which was endured. The Savior asked for the Fathers help, but in turn asked for his will to be done. He suffered all pain, the very pain that my sweet husband is enduring. And our Father in Heaven himself must have suffered out of love for his son, seeing his pain, but knowing its purpose to be fulfilled. This is how some trials can come in our lives. Here Eric is suffering the pain and the affliction of this disease, he has said lately that he feels completely broken. He is suffering the true pain of this trial. And then here I am suffering an entirely different way watching the one I love and care for so deeply to be so weak in pain. And wanting so badly to do something to take it away, to make it go away. But of course I am powerless, but do know that there is a purpose to this and a greater understanding will one day be seen.
One thing that I have already seen that I need to improve, is my ability to remain patient when stress is running high. I have the tendency to react in a harsh tone when I feel stressed out. I have been recognizing this more and more over the last few weeks, and have to continually ask for forgiveness to react so selfishly. As I partook of the sacrament on Sunday, and listened to the talks that were given, I was reflecting on myself and asking Heavenly Father in a silent prayer to please help refine me, please help me to have patience and long suffering in moments that I am at my breaking point. And of course his help has already come. My Dad gave me a blessing this morning before they left, and in that blessing I was told that when my cup is empty and I have no more to give in moments where the stress is running high in me, that I need to turn to my Father in Heaven for help and it is through him that I can be directed and receive the patience that I need. What a beautiful moment. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and hears my prayers, those words were not a coincidence, he heard the prayer of one of his daughters with a broken heart and as offered his help. It is still my responsibilty to ask for it in those moments, but he will teach me and allow me to learn and grow to make me a better servant for him.
I am not perfect, but I know that it is through my loving Savior that one day I will stand before him and hope that what I have become is sufficent to be made perfect through him.
I have had a few neat experiences over the last couple of days. The other night climbing into bed, I laid next to Eric and cried a bit laying with my face on his back. I was thinking about how in life we all have our challenges to overcome, there are so many people that have challenges that I question if I would be able to overcome. The tragedy of losing a parent as a young child, or a parent losing a child, or even listening to a military family on Sunday that has sacrificed their husband and father on numerous occasions to serve willing to loose his life for our country. And I couldn't help but sit and be grateful for the heart that I could hear beating in my ear, and knowing that when the sun rises in the morning, that the beautiful green eyes next to me would flutter open for me to see. Yes this time is hard, but I am grateful to know that we are given trials in which we can overcome, and it is through the atonement of the Savior that makes it possible. Eric and I are not physically or emotionally strong enough on our own to get through times likes these, but it is through the perfect love of our Savior that makes us whole.
I was also reflecting on the atonement and the suffering in which was endured. The Savior asked for the Fathers help, but in turn asked for his will to be done. He suffered all pain, the very pain that my sweet husband is enduring. And our Father in Heaven himself must have suffered out of love for his son, seeing his pain, but knowing its purpose to be fulfilled. This is how some trials can come in our lives. Here Eric is suffering the pain and the affliction of this disease, he has said lately that he feels completely broken. He is suffering the true pain of this trial. And then here I am suffering an entirely different way watching the one I love and care for so deeply to be so weak in pain. And wanting so badly to do something to take it away, to make it go away. But of course I am powerless, but do know that there is a purpose to this and a greater understanding will one day be seen.
One thing that I have already seen that I need to improve, is my ability to remain patient when stress is running high. I have the tendency to react in a harsh tone when I feel stressed out. I have been recognizing this more and more over the last few weeks, and have to continually ask for forgiveness to react so selfishly. As I partook of the sacrament on Sunday, and listened to the talks that were given, I was reflecting on myself and asking Heavenly Father in a silent prayer to please help refine me, please help me to have patience and long suffering in moments that I am at my breaking point. And of course his help has already come. My Dad gave me a blessing this morning before they left, and in that blessing I was told that when my cup is empty and I have no more to give in moments where the stress is running high in me, that I need to turn to my Father in Heaven for help and it is through him that I can be directed and receive the patience that I need. What a beautiful moment. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and hears my prayers, those words were not a coincidence, he heard the prayer of one of his daughters with a broken heart and as offered his help. It is still my responsibilty to ask for it in those moments, but he will teach me and allow me to learn and grow to make me a better servant for him.
I am not perfect, but I know that it is through my loving Savior that one day I will stand before him and hope that what I have become is sufficent to be made perfect through him.
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