Desperate

   This last week has been another week of hard news. The scan that Eric had completed revealed that there is still a mass in his lymph node. We met with the urologist at Huntsman on Tuesday, and he confirmed that surgery is needed.  It has shrunk about 50% from the original scan, but at this point they do need to remove any lymph nodes that are still showing signs of the disease. His surgery is scheduled for August 15th. This is a massive surgery, the incision will start at his chest and follow down the center of his abdomen below his belt line. They pretty much have to take out all of your intensines and organs in order to get to the lymph nodes as they lay along your spine. The doctor said that the surgery can take anywhere from 6-20 hours. He does not expect it to go much longer then 6 hours, he feels that Eric's situation is pretty straight forward and there shouldn't be very many complications. He will go into the area and dissect any of the tissue that shows signs of cancer. Once everything has been removed they will complete a biopsy on the tissue/tumor to determine what type of cancer it is that is left. They said that there is about a 30% chance that it could be dead tissue, 40% chance that it is teratoma cancer (which cannot be killed by chemo) and a 30% chance that it could be other types of cancer. If it is anyother type of cancer besides teratoma, he will have to do further chemo after the surgery. This of course would not be a good thing as at this point they would have to give him a very high potent chemo drug.
   One of the major areas of concern with this surgery that is hard to preserve, is the nerves that function your ejaculation. The nerves are intertwined in the area that they will have to remove tissue from and get through to remove the cancer. The doctor felt that he will likely be able to preserve the right side of his nerves, but was not very confident in the left side. He just simply said that they would do their best, but unfortunatley it is one area they they cannot make any guarantees. Another area of concern is the kidney, the placement of these lymph nodes is near the kidney and sometimes that organ can be damaged during the surgery. He did not feel that there was much concern in Eric's situation as the tumor is not very big, so he didn't think this was a real area of concern for Eric, but he mentioned as there can be problems.
  Recovery from this is going to be a long process. He will be in the hospital for about 5-7 days. They have to starve you for a few days until you show signs that your bowels are functioning. Once he is showing signs that they are working they will then slowly allow you to eat to make sure everything is in working order. They will give him an epidural for pain management for a few days after the surgery. Then once released from the hospital it can take about 6 weeks until you are starting to feel somewhat normal, and full recovery is about 3 months.
   This whole situation begins to get a little more frightening each day. You wonder what the future holds, and if this is what life is going to continue to bring. We overcome one thing that is expected to take care of the cancer only to learn that something else is needed. Our doctor is confident that we are continuing on the right steps to overcome this, and told Eric that he expects him to live a long life. The most frightening thing that he said is that if in fact it is teratoma cancer and it isn't removed in a timely manner that it can morph into other types of cancer, and he said quite frankly that those patients die. To know that you are potentially one step away from this possibility is not a comforting thought. I am not focusing on these thoughts, but am remembering the blessings that he has received and the peace that I feel in knowing that he will overcome this. I have faith that the surgeons hands will be guided and he will be able to remove the cancer with little complications or further damages. I know that this is going to be a hard thing to witness, to sit by quietly and continue to watch the pain and suffering that Eric bares. With nothing more to offer then my love and support for him. Wishing at some point that I could take his place and give him a break from his pain, and at the same moment being reminded that there is already one that has felt his pain and suffering. And I can be an instrument in his hands to aid Eric through this. My prayer today is that I can be trusted and capable to do exactly that.  

Latest Update

   Just a quick update, we haven't found out any further information. Our doctor wanted Erics CT rescheduled, as he decided to do one last round of chemo last friday. We finished that, and had the CT scan done this morning. We are meeting with the doctor this Friday to hopefully go over the results of the scan. Our doctor wanted us to find a urologist that we trusted to do the surgery in case it is needed so he can also look over the scan and the two doctors can collaborate. We have an appointment scheduled with a urologist that Eric has done a lot of research on in Salt Lake. So hopefully by Friday we should at least know what direction we are headed! Thanks to all of you for your love and prayers!

Almost Over!

    First I need to apologize for the time it has taken me to post, as I am sure there have been some waiting for an update on what has been going on. These last few weeks have been hard ones. Eric's body has become weaker and weaker with every round of chemo. This last week with the fourth of July holiday, they gave Eric his five days of chemo within four days. He was immediately wiped out, each day the side effects just worsened. He has spent the weekend in bed, sick. He is so worn out from this, and it takes everything within him just to get up out of bed. He was actually feeling somewhat better this morning and was able to get up out of bed for a little while, but that only lasted for an hour and he was back to bed. The sores in his throat have gotten worse with this round of chemo, and he is just sick to his stomach all of the time. The doctor tried giving him a patch for his nausea, but it hasn't seemed to help much. He explained to me today that his entire body just feels like it is weighing him down, that all of his organs and everything combined just feels sluggish and heavy. He has a hard time sleeping during the day because all of the medication keeps his mind wired, so he just lays in bed with his eyes shut totally exhausted. I can't imagine feeling as sick as he does that it seems too much to even lay with your eyes open. I just keep trying to remind him that the worst is over, and now it is time to regain his strength and start feeling better. One of the hardest things through all of this has been the process of getting knocked down, finally regaining his strength and starting to feel okay, and then submitting yourself to do it over and over again. I am just glad to finally be able to be telling him that it's not going to happen again, he has made it to the end of this dreaded chemo!
   Last week the doctor wanted Eric to get a pulmonary function test to see how his lung capacity is, the drug bleomycin that he has been getting every Tuesday can cause permanant damages to your lungs, and they are concerened that Eric may be at the max amount that he can be given without causing damages. But because of how sick Eric was, he wasn't able to do the test. Tomorrow morning I'll have to take him to have that done, as he has to complete it before Tuesday so they can know if they are okay to give him a final dose of this chemo. I am hoping that he will be feeling well enough to get out of bed in the morning and make it to the hospital to do this. Then on Tuesday once we have the results from the test, he will have the final dose of chemo.
  Later in the week we have his CT scan scheduled to check the progress of the cancer. This scan will help determine if  the RPLND surgery will be needed. We are praying our hearts out that he won't have to have this surgery. He is absolutely dreading this possibility. I can't imagine at this point how his body will be able to take it, but whatever the outcome I know that the Lord will strengthen him to do what is needed. I am anxious to hear what the next steps will be and hopeful that the chemo has been enough to kill the cancer. I can't wait for the day to see Eric functioning normal again and just to see him do everything that he wants to do.
  Last week before he started this round of chemo he recieved a priesthood blessing from one of our friends. In this blessing he was blessed with the ability to again be able to play with Kaizen, this was a very sacred moment for us. Eric has often looked at Kaizen and wished so badly that he could be on the ground playing with him and has been hard for him to just sit and watch. To hear this in his blessing was just another testament that our Heavenly Father is mindful of our desires. This isn't anything that anyone knew was bothering Eric except for me, and those words were spoken not by mistake, but as a witness in our home that our Savior is here. Our Father is hearing our prayers and continues to send his ministering angels to bear us up.
  Throughout these last few weeks a song keeps coming to my mind as I receive little bits of inspiration and confirmation from the Holy Ghost. It is the song I Feel My Saviors Love.

I feel my Saviors love in all the world around me
His spirit warms my soul through everything I see
He knows I will follow him give all my life to him
I feel my Saviors love, the love he freely gives me.

I have had small moments, that the spirit has come and witnessed to me that my Savior is here and loves me. That he is mindful of my needs, and continues to administer to me through the service of others. He is the creator of all things, of life itself, and of me. As a parent you get a small glimpse of what joy it is to create life, and with that joy comes a great love. A love that cannot be explained like any other. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and loves Eric his son. We have much to learn in this life to one day obtain our goal to become like him. I stand ready and listening and asking for his help to become the daughter he sees in me.