What a Week

  I have been feeling bad taking so long to update everyone on this last week. My last post I was so suprised by how well Eric was handling the chemo. Wednesday came and I saw an immediate change in him. It has been a rough week. Eric became very weak and tired. He slept through chemo each day and would come home and sleep all night. By the time Friday came I wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to handle another day, but he did it. He literally has spent the last six days in bed. He has hardly had the strength to get out of bed for any reason. On Saturday morning I had to take him to the doctor to get a shot for his white blood cells, unfortunatley they schedule everyone to come in by 8 am, so he was not too happy with the early wake up call to go back to the doctor. He hasn't been talking much over the last few days, this last week really just took everything out him. He has been pretty sick to his stomach, his sore throat has come back, he keeps getting dizzy spells, but overall the worst part has been the exhaustion.
   I have had a few neat experiences over the last couple of days. The other night climbing into bed, I laid next to Eric and cried a bit laying with my face on his back. I was thinking about how in life we all have our challenges to overcome, there are so many people that have challenges that I question if I would be able to overcome. The tragedy of losing a parent as a young child, or a parent losing a child, or even listening to a military family on Sunday that has sacrificed their husband and father on numerous occasions to serve willing to loose his life for our country. And I couldn't help but sit and be grateful for the heart that I could hear beating in my ear, and knowing that when the sun rises in the morning, that the beautiful green eyes next to me would flutter open for me to see.  Yes this time is hard, but I am grateful to know that we are given trials in which we can overcome, and it is through the atonement of the Savior that makes it possible. Eric and I are not physically or emotionally strong enough on our own to get through times likes these, but it is through the perfect love of our Savior that makes us whole.
  I was also reflecting on the atonement and the suffering in which was endured. The Savior asked for the Fathers help, but in turn asked for his will to be done. He suffered all pain, the very pain that my sweet husband is enduring. And our Father in Heaven himself must have suffered out of love for his son, seeing his pain, but knowing its purpose to be fulfilled. This is how some trials can come in our lives. Here Eric is suffering the pain and the affliction of this disease, he has said lately that he feels completely broken. He is suffering the true pain of this trial. And then here I am suffering an entirely different way watching the one I love and care for so deeply to be so weak in pain. And wanting so badly to do something to take it away, to make it go away. But of course I am powerless, but do know that there is a purpose to this and a greater understanding will one day be seen.
   One thing that I have already seen that I need to improve, is my ability to remain patient when stress is running high. I have the tendency to react in a harsh tone when I feel stressed out. I have been recognizing this more and more over the last few weeks, and have to continually ask for forgiveness to react so selfishly. As I partook of the sacrament on Sunday, and listened to the talks that were given, I was reflecting on myself and asking Heavenly Father in a silent prayer to please help refine me, please help me to have patience and long suffering in moments that I am at my breaking point. And of course his help has already come. My Dad gave me a blessing this morning before they left, and in that blessing I was told that when my cup is empty and I have no more to give in moments where the stress is running high in me, that I need to turn to my Father in Heaven for help and it is through him that I can be directed and receive the patience that I need. What a beautiful moment. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and hears my prayers, those words were not a coincidence, he heard the prayer of one of his daughters with a broken heart and as offered his help. It is still my responsibilty to ask for it in those moments, but he will teach me and allow me to learn and grow to make me a better servant for him.
    I am not perfect, but I know that it is through my loving Savior that one day I will stand before him and hope that what I have become is sufficent to be made perfect through him.  

Week 4

   We have made it through the first regiment of chemo! This week started off well. My mom flew into town Sunday to be here with us this week. Sunday night, our home teacher and the Elders Quorm president came over to give Eric a blessing before starting this next long week of chemo. We have to go in every day again this week. Yesterday went really well. We received the results from Eric's MRI, and everything came back normal. This was great news! When the doctor came in to find Eric to give him some information he did not recognize him with all of his hair gone. Eric was pretty tired after coming home, but he was able to rest for a couple hours and woke up feeling good.
   Today went smoothly, we learned that his tumor markers are now down to 157! That's right they are no longer in the thousands!! Yeah! This was awesome to hear! Eric has felt really good tonight, we were quite suprised thinking that he would be a lot more worn out this week, but so far he is really handling it well. The bishop came by to visit and was suprised himself that he was doing so well, he thought he would have found him really frail and sick. Eric is truly being blessed with his strength. We continue to pray that he will be strengthened. One of our friends brought in dinner tonight for us which was nice getting home after a long day at the doctors and not having to worry about it. It is so nice having the love and support of so many. What great friends and family we have.
   I wanted to share a couple of pictures that we have taken over the last few weeks!

Eric and I went on a date the Saturday before he started Chemo, this was taken that night! Two little love birds!

Eric and Kaizen this last weekend! Daddy sporting his new hair do! I've learned that with or without hair my hubby is still the hottest man I've ever laid eyes on!

  Eric is strong, he has handled all of this with the best attitude I think possible. He keeps smiling, and has a positive attitude. The hard moments still come where worry and doubt set it, but over the last few weeks it has been easier to keep those thoughts away and focus on the idea that we will overcome this. What a great day it will be when we are looking back on these days. But for now we will keep our heads held high, and thank our Father in Heaven for the blessings that he sends each day.

Week 3

     We woke up to great news this morning! The doctors office called to inform us that Eric's tumor markers are down to 6000! This was very exciting to hear, the chemo is working! Eric has been thrilled to hear each time they have dropped, it is such a relief to know that we are getting results! So our day started off well!
    We went in today for the MRI on his brain, they should have results within 2-3 days. We are hopeful that everything will show as normal on the MRI. He sailed through that today and the chemo treatment. They did report that his white blood count is really low, so they have to give him shots every day this week to try and boost the growth of the white blood cells. So now instead of just going in once this week, he will be there the rest of the week for a shot and on Friday for blood work to check the progress. The shot can cause bone pain and flu like symptoms, so this week may be a little rough. Tonight Eric just seems to be his usual tired after treatment, but overall is doing well.
   Last night we got the clippers out and buzzed his hair off. It has been slowly thinning out, but yesterday he noticed his hair falling out a lot more. You could pull clumps of hair out of his head by running your finger through his hair, even his arm pit hair was falling out in the shower. So after a day of shedding all over everything, we gave in and buzzed it off to try and manage it better. It is weird how easily it comes out, you pull on it and it just falls right out. He has a few bald spots now in his "trademark" on his face....but he hasn't let go of it yet. We will see how long it will hang on for. The nurse commented today that he is lucky cause she still thinks he is adorable even without hair. I of course agreed, he is one handsome man!
   Eric has had a lot of strength and is handling everything really well. We are trying to keep him away from a lot of people in an effort to keep him healthy. That is the one major thing with his white blood count being low, is his body will be unable to fight off bacteria or infections. We have to really do our best to keep him germ free. Hopefully by Friday his body will have produced enough cells to be back in a normal range.
    Overall today has been a great day. It couldn't have started out any better, and the little bit of good news has lasted the whole day through!

Week 2

   Well we went to the doc office yesterday, had Eric's blood work done and had a visit with the oncologist. He explained that he wanted to order a scan for Eric's brain too. Once your tumor markers hit around 40,000 it starts to raise concern that the cancer could possibly be in the brain. The oncologist prefered having an MRI done vs the CT scan that the urologist ordered. So we decided to cancel the CT scan cause they couldn't change the type of test for us, and the oncologist ordered an MRI which is set for next Tuesday. His blood work all looked good, and they were able to take a look at his throat. He has started to get white bumps all over the back of his throat. They put him on an antibiotic and gave him some mouth wash to help with the infection and pain. Eric recieved a new nick name "gagger" from the nurse Sherry. She is a real sweetie, and we always get a good laugh working with her. Eric doesn't do well with getting his throat swabbed so needless to say that is where they came up with gagger! :)
  We went back to the doc again today for chemo. Everything was quick today, they just had to give him the bleomycin so it took about an hour and we were through. We got home, ate some dinner, and he is now upstairs sleeping! He has been a trooper this week, he went to work early yesterday morning, and went back after the appt to finish up the day. He woke up early again this morning and went to work for part of the day before it was time to head to the doc again. He is really handling things well.

For my Mother

This I wrote for you Mom.

A baby's first breath announced in a healthy cry,
followed delightfully is a new mothers sigh.
An instant bond as she lays so sweetly on her chest,
a mothers love will grow from this moment without rest.
Hungered, tired and helpless I call
For my loving mother, come and care for all.

As I grew I continued to voice my pains to my mother.
Her loving arms couldn't be replaced by any other.
A scraped knee, broken bone, or rats in my nightmare,
she would come quickly to wipe away my last tear.

As a teenager I would cry when my heart was broken,
and she was there to reassure with her soft words spoken.
My wedding day soon came and tears filled my eyes,
as I hugged and thanked her for our loving ties.

Becoming a mother myself I can finally see,
just what exactly my mother did for me.
No matter my age or stage in life,
theres one thing I can rely on in moments of strife.
When lifes toughest challeneges I have to face.
It is her that I run to for a warm embrace.

As my heart is aching, my soul so weary,
and fear is as far as my eyes can see.
Her love and comfort is what eases the pain,
without her my life would not be the same.

I Love You Mommy! Happy Mothers Day!

Day 5

   Well we finished the first full week of chemo. Eric did really well yesterday, we went to chemo for 4 hours got home, he rested for about an hour and it was time to go to the next doctors appointment. We met with the urlogoist for a follow up from his surgery. They are concerned that they did not see a decrease in Eric's tumor markers after surgery, and they are rapidly increasing, so they are now going to do a CT scan on his brain as that is usually the final area that testicular cancer will go to. Eric was pretty out of it while we were there, he was really tired and just had a hard time focusing. They scheduled the scan to be done next Friday, by the time we got him I was frustrated that they would wait so long to do it, so I called and rescheduled it for Tuesday morning.
  I am not really even sure how to react to them wanting to do this. I know it is all just a precaution, but I just can't even begin to imagine if they are to find anything. We keep hoping for good news with everything they have tested and we have yet to have any. So I am really hoping that this will be the first time we can hear something positive and find that his brain looks okay. To add brain surgery into the middle of all of this, just seems like more that I can even begin to think about handling. We will take it as it comes, and if it turns out that is added to us we will find a way to get through, but I am just praying (pleading) that the test will turn out okay.
   The rest of the evening went well. Eric actually started to feel pretty good and stayed up for the rest of the night visiting with us. We walked over to the park and let Kaizen play for a bit, it was nice to get out for a minute as a family. Those are the moments that we are just able to escape from reality and have a moment to just enjoy the simplicity of life. There is nothing quite like walking in the fresh air with the two people you love and seeing a thrill of a young boy as he goes down on his belly on the slide, and laughs as he swings. Those are the moments I live for, to just enjoy my family in such simple setting. Life doesn't get any better than that.
  Today hasn't been as easy on Eric, he has been very tired and has spent most of the day resting. He woke up, came down stairs for a bit and went back up to bed. I was trying to keep Kaizen quiet and entertained as Eric is having a hard time with noises. Then I heard him get up and into the shower, he came downstairs. I told him I was needing to go to the store, and he quickly said lets go to Costco I want a peice of pizza, so thats what we did. It wasn't long for him to regret it! He wound up with major heart burn tonight, so spent some more time resting upstairs. He came down for dinner, but wasn't in much of a mood to eat, so he headed back up to rest.
   Lorene and I were able to sneak out again this afternoon for a little "mom" time. I set up an appointment to go and get pedicures. It was fun to get out and treat Lorene to a little pampering for all of her hard work. So it was a nice couple of hours to relax.

Day 4

   Today has been a pretty good day. We woke up early again, got ready and headed out the door to the doctors for day 4 of chemo. I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to Kaizen this morning, he was still asleep when we left. Today was a little harder for me to sit and watch. Eric is already getting weaker, and he just looked really down. I have tried asking him if he is okay, and he keeps telling me that he is just tired. It is hard for me to sit and watch him going through all of this, our life has changed so darastically over thist last month, and especially this last week. I would have never thought we would be spending our days sitting at a doctors office for 4-6 hours every day.
    I have tried really hard to be positive, but today I noticed little thoughts trying to get into my head that I had to really think hard to get keep them out. Your mind is a powerful thing, and I don't want my hope to turn into fear. Last night I did a really stupid thing, I read further about Eric's stage of cancer. I keep telling myself that I don't care about the statistics and that all I would focus on is the fact that it is curable. But I did some reading, and it just hit me really hard that at his stage it is 70% curable. I know that we will get through this, I really do feel that...but just that knowledge is a scary thing. So as I sat and watched my sweet husband sitting in his chair, hooked up to an IV that is slowly dripping into his veins, all I tried to focus on was that with each drop it is killing the cancer cells. One by one they will be taken out. I have put so much trust in these doctors and nurses to make the correct choices to do exactly that, and I sit and hope. I hope that they will continue to know the correct things to do to cure my husband.
   When we got home Eric went up to rest. Kaizen was taking a nap, so Lorene and I snuck out to go run a few errands. When we got back, Kaizen was still snoozing...so I had to wait patiently for him to wake up. I was so excited to see the cute little guy. We have spent the night making dinner, went for a jog, and got back home to pay some bills. Eric has spent most of the time sleeping, but has been up now for a couple of hours. He is just exhausted, by tomorrow I am sure he will have had it for the week. But one more day and we'll get a rest for the weekend. What a week!

Hump Day

  We made it to day 3 of chemo, hump day for the week! Eric has been doing really well, these past few days. The doctors are giving him antihistamine to offset the allergic reaction each day before starting the chemo. Yesterday, Tuesday they administered three chemo drugs to him, etoposide, cisplatin, and bleomycin. They plan to have him take bleomycin every Tuesday, and then he will do the etoposide and cisplatin for the 5 days straght every third week.
  Overall he has done really well, he gets a little nauseated at night after getting home and has a difficult time shutting his brain off to sleep, all of the drugs make your mind go a hundred miles an hour. You gott a love that they have a drug to cure that though too. He has pills to take for nausea and pills to help relax him at night so he can sleep. He is overall doing well, he gets pretty sleepy while they are doing the treatment, the antihistamine knocks him out for a bit, and the cisplatin makes him pretty sleepy. Last night he was just rested on the couch for the afternoon, we took Kaizen out for a walk and Eric went off to bed. Today after treatment we got home and it was very long until he was ready to go lay down and rest. But overall he is doing really well.
   It has been such a blessing to go and be with Eric. I have enjoyed the opportunities to talk with others that are going through this, it is a scary time for so many people. Everyone is so different on how they are handling in it. I prayed to Heavenly Father that he help me to lift others and share simple messages about the gospel with them. Yesterday, a women was there with her daugther getting treatment. This mother was pretty upset with life, she lost her husband two years ago, and now her daughter has cancer and she just didn't seem to have a postivit outlook on things. I was able to simply bear testimony to her that I know that she will see her husband again. She was so sweet to share with me pictures of her family, she showed me pictures of her wedding day and the beautiful family she has created. I tried hard to reassure her and lift her spirit.
  Today, there was a woman there with her husband, he unfortunately has cancer that is not curable, but therapy will be used to prolong his life. This news has made it hard for her to cope, and she is praying that she will be taken along with him. She does not want to live without her husband. She said to me that she prays every day, but doesn't dare go back to church because she is afraid that just because she feels like she needs it now God will have turned his back on her. I was able to tell her that the God that I know exists is a loving God, I shared with her what church we belong to her and offered my knowledge that he loves her and always will.
  I have just found great strength and gratitude for my knowledge of the gospel. The blessings of having the gospel in my life and understanding the power of prayer has given me peace and understanding. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am not able to take Eric's cancer from him (oh how badly I wish I could). I can't take his place on that chair. I can't tell him exactly how hard he is going to have to fight to overcome this. But I do know there is one who can, and who has suffered in all the ways he is right now. There is one that can heal, there is one that knows what tomorrow will bring and he is the one that I will continue to put my trust in. While I sit there helpless day after day, I have found that there is work to be done. A child of God just like me doesn't know their potential, doesn't feel and understand life the way I know it to be. Just as I sit, I will continue to ask for Heavenly Father's help to offer words of comfort and inspiration to lift those around me.

Day 1

   Today was the first day of chemo. We woke up early, got ready, got our lunch packed, and got Kaizen up and fed. Just as we were getting ready to leave the door bell rang, and it was Fed Ex delivering Eric's Ipod touch! Thank you to all of our family for your support on getting that, he was excited to receive it. We met with the doctor first to go over an questions that we had before beginning the treatment, and they took his blood to have a baseline to follow on where he is starting at.
  The room that the chemo is administered in is set up with about 13 recliners, and TV's around the room. They have a small area where family members are allowed to come and sit at a table to be close to their loved ones. So Eric took his position in a recliner, and I sat at the table close by. They first started him on a saline solution, and then started the first drug. Eric became nauseated quickly, and his face turned red, he started feeling the meds inside of him and he was having a hard time breathing. He looked at me thinking he was going to throw up, and I was searching for a barf bag for him. We then got the nurses attention and the team went to his side quickly. He was having an allergic reaction to the drug, so they stopped it immediately. They hooked him up to oxygen, pumped him with some benadryl, and other steriods and called the doctor in. He came in and said that this was the drug we needed to use so they would have to try it again once they had him recover for about 30 minutes. Eric fell asleep quickly and was pretty out of it for a bit, it was a scary, frantic moment for me. I was grateful that they knew how to respond to the situation, and did so quickly. The nurse said that it was very rare, so she hasn't seen that happen very often.
   After he rested, they started it up again and he was able to handle the drugs. The rest of the day went smoothly. We were there for about 6 hours total. I spent most of the day trying to read, but not able to focus enough to get very far. I mostly reread the same page over and over again, but my mind was going way to fast to even understand the things I was reading. I was able to visit with many others that are supporting their spouses through this. It was nice to get a few helpful tips that they have learned. Something as simple as directions to the cafeteria if we ever need to buy lunch, or keeping barf bags on hand in the car etc. It was nice for others to offer their support and the simple things they have learned to make things a little easier.
   Overall it has been a good day. I am so grateful to have Eric's parents here with us looking after Kaizen. It was just comforting to know that they were here with him so I could focus on Eric and not be worrying about what time it was and how much longer until we would be relieving whomever from watching him for us. We came home to some delicious tomatoe soup, enjoyed a nice meal as family, played with Kaizen, and prepared for the day tomorrow. We are so blessed.