What a Week

  I have been feeling bad taking so long to update everyone on this last week. My last post I was so suprised by how well Eric was handling the chemo. Wednesday came and I saw an immediate change in him. It has been a rough week. Eric became very weak and tired. He slept through chemo each day and would come home and sleep all night. By the time Friday came I wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to handle another day, but he did it. He literally has spent the last six days in bed. He has hardly had the strength to get out of bed for any reason. On Saturday morning I had to take him to the doctor to get a shot for his white blood cells, unfortunatley they schedule everyone to come in by 8 am, so he was not too happy with the early wake up call to go back to the doctor. He hasn't been talking much over the last few days, this last week really just took everything out him. He has been pretty sick to his stomach, his sore throat has come back, he keeps getting dizzy spells, but overall the worst part has been the exhaustion.
   I have had a few neat experiences over the last couple of days. The other night climbing into bed, I laid next to Eric and cried a bit laying with my face on his back. I was thinking about how in life we all have our challenges to overcome, there are so many people that have challenges that I question if I would be able to overcome. The tragedy of losing a parent as a young child, or a parent losing a child, or even listening to a military family on Sunday that has sacrificed their husband and father on numerous occasions to serve willing to loose his life for our country. And I couldn't help but sit and be grateful for the heart that I could hear beating in my ear, and knowing that when the sun rises in the morning, that the beautiful green eyes next to me would flutter open for me to see.  Yes this time is hard, but I am grateful to know that we are given trials in which we can overcome, and it is through the atonement of the Savior that makes it possible. Eric and I are not physically or emotionally strong enough on our own to get through times likes these, but it is through the perfect love of our Savior that makes us whole.
  I was also reflecting on the atonement and the suffering in which was endured. The Savior asked for the Fathers help, but in turn asked for his will to be done. He suffered all pain, the very pain that my sweet husband is enduring. And our Father in Heaven himself must have suffered out of love for his son, seeing his pain, but knowing its purpose to be fulfilled. This is how some trials can come in our lives. Here Eric is suffering the pain and the affliction of this disease, he has said lately that he feels completely broken. He is suffering the true pain of this trial. And then here I am suffering an entirely different way watching the one I love and care for so deeply to be so weak in pain. And wanting so badly to do something to take it away, to make it go away. But of course I am powerless, but do know that there is a purpose to this and a greater understanding will one day be seen.
   One thing that I have already seen that I need to improve, is my ability to remain patient when stress is running high. I have the tendency to react in a harsh tone when I feel stressed out. I have been recognizing this more and more over the last few weeks, and have to continually ask for forgiveness to react so selfishly. As I partook of the sacrament on Sunday, and listened to the talks that were given, I was reflecting on myself and asking Heavenly Father in a silent prayer to please help refine me, please help me to have patience and long suffering in moments that I am at my breaking point. And of course his help has already come. My Dad gave me a blessing this morning before they left, and in that blessing I was told that when my cup is empty and I have no more to give in moments where the stress is running high in me, that I need to turn to my Father in Heaven for help and it is through him that I can be directed and receive the patience that I need. What a beautiful moment. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and hears my prayers, those words were not a coincidence, he heard the prayer of one of his daughters with a broken heart and as offered his help. It is still my responsibilty to ask for it in those moments, but he will teach me and allow me to learn and grow to make me a better servant for him.
    I am not perfect, but I know that it is through my loving Savior that one day I will stand before him and hope that what I have become is sufficent to be made perfect through him.