Yesterday Eric and I woke up early and headed to the doctors office for a chemo class. We spent a couple of hours there learning more about what to expect with chemo therapy. We arrived and were taken into a conference room with one other couple. A gentleman came in and turned on a movie for us to learn about the side effects of chemo. It went over all the possibilities on what people have experienced. Some of the side effects are fatique, hair loss, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of appetite, skin & nail problems, constipation, and mouth sores. The movie went over helpful tips on how to cope with these things, and when we need to alert the doctor of the situation for help. After the video we waited for a nurse to come in and talk with us. While waiting we talked with the other couple in the room. They were a bit older then us, but were obviously going through some of the same emotions with the experience of being diagnosed. She made the comment of how quickly your world can be turned upside down and I would certainly have to agree.
The nurse soon came in to address questions and further information. I felt bad for Eric because she went over some specifics on the type of chemo Eric and the other man would be receiving and unfortunatley it sounds like Eric's is going to be a bit more intense. We soon had our questions answered, and were shown out to the waiting room for our doctor to see us. As we waited a nice lady that is a patient came over to talk to Eric and I, she was curious which one of us had cancer, and offered her words of encouragement. She has been cancer free for nearly 5 years. She told us that while she was going through chemo she learned quickly that she was fortunate as most surrounding her were much older and the purpose of their chemo was to prolong their lives. She encouraged Eric saying that he is much younger than even she was and he would find the inner strength to fight, and he would overcome this. It is so nice, that strangers can walk up to you and offer their support and strength. I have never seen such kindness between strangers. Never in a million years sitting sick in an average doctors office would anyone come up and ask you what you are sick with and encourage you to be strong. It is a powerful thing to hear these words from others that have been there. I am impressed by the kindness and compassion that I have seen in this last week.
We then met with the doctor, he confirmed that Eric's tumor markers are still rapidly increasing. His Beta HCG was up to 36,000 where before surgery it was around 11,000. He has suggested that we move forward with chemo starting Monday in an effort to kill off as much cancer throughout his body. Surgery at this point would not be the correct move to make as that is only removing cancer from the lymph nodes that are showing large enough masses to be seen on the CT scan. He said that there is no real way of seeing everywhere that cancer cells are throughout the body, so they need to treat his entire body first to try and control the situation before doing surgery. With all of the information Eric's cancer is classified at Stage 111B. This was scary to see as the only stage below it is Stage 111C. The doctor was very kind and took the time to show us how they come to understand what stage he is in, and offered us time to look over the information. He didn't want us to leave until he came back to talk with us to make sure all of our concerns were addressed. He was so kind once again to give us his time, even though we did not have an appointment scheduled with him, he was still patient and made sure we left confident in the things he went over.
So thats the plan, we start chemo on Monday. He will do 4 regiments of chemo, each regiment is a 21 day cycle. So week 1: he will go in Monday through Friday, week 2: he will go in on Tuesday, week 3: he will go in on Tuesday. They will repeat this cycle 3 more times. So it lookds like he will be doing chemo until mid July.
After we left the doctors office, it was once again an emotional time. Eric and I are both scared of whats ahead. They can tell you all of the side effects and try and give you as many pointers as possible, but we still do not know how Eric will respond, since it is different for everyone. The reality of all of this is setting in quickly on how hard this is going to be. I left grateful for the knowledge of the gospel, so thankful that we can turn to our Father in Heaven in prayer and ask for his help. I would imagine that there are many that have done this without that knowledge and I wonder how they got through such a trying time? We are fortunate.
Once arriving home, I called Eric's mom to see if they would be willing to come and help us this next week. They offered their support and willingly agreed to come and help. Eric and I are both nervous for what this next week will bring, and wanted to have the assurance of having someone here to fall back on. That way I can go with Eric when he wants me to, and someone can be here with Kaizen, without having the stress of trying to ask someone to watch him and making those arrangements. (Our friends have been a huge support and I know they would have so willingly taken on this responsibily, but I think it will just be nice to have the help right here in our home so we can pick up and go as needed) We are seriously so fortunate to have some many rooting for us! We have an awesome family and friends! We ended the day well, both tired and ready for another good nights rest!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Content
I feel content today, grateful for the chance that we had to meet with the oncologist yesterday. It was so nice to feel at peace with the things we were told, and pleased with the overall feeling with the staff, nurses, and doctor. The doctor spent over an hour in the room with us, never rushing us, just simply giving us his time and having patience with us as we went over all of our questions and concerns. We really felt good leaving their office yesterday. They took Erics blood to check and see where his tumor markers are at, this will give them the information they need to determine if they want to start with chemo or surgery first. The doctor was so caring and seems to be very on top of the situation. They are preparing Eric to start chemo on monday, and will deal with cancellations and things if the blood work comes back normal. It is soo nice having someone invested in getting this taken care of, he is being proactive and actually moving forward to help us.
I left their office just happy inside, happy to know that someone has the knowledge to help us and is going to give Eric the attention that he deserves. It really did feel like the doctor was guided by the holy spirit to communicate to us what is needed. I have been replaying some of the things in my mind that we went over, and find it quite amazing that the doctor settled some of the things Eric and I had been disagreeing on, and it truly was an answer to our prayers to have him give us his advice. There is no way that he knew that Eric and I felt differently on where to receive treatment as he offered his advice. Eric and I walked away both happy and comfortable with the decisions that were suggested. Stay here in NV for chemo treatmens and go to Utah if surgery is needed. That just proved to me once again that Heavenly Father is hearing and answering our prayers, and he will even answer prayers through a doctors words. What a blessing.
Today has brought on its own challenges, Kaizen hasn't been feeling very well. I have been concerned and feeling terrible because we have had to have others watch him for us, and I hate to be giving others his germs. I would never do that to anyone, but under the circumstances it has been nice to know that we have friends here that care for us enough that they are willing to take care of him and risk getting our germs to support us. I took Kaizen to the doctor just to see if he has anything that I should really be worried about, but they think it is just a virus that will have to run its course. So it has been a long day on its own caring for him.
I spent a lot of time on the phone just trying to get a few things squared around. The oncologist recommended that we store more sperm to be safe as the risk of infertillity is going to increase with further treatments. So I called and ordered another kit. They luckily already sent an extra kit with the first one to have on hand, so I am grateful that they knew enough to understand how quickly these things need to be taken care of. It is a weird feeling to look at these kits and realize what their potential is. They very well contain my future. I can't help but hope that it is enough. I honestly feel like we will have more kids, it is a promised blessing that we have both been given, but no where in the fine print does it mention how. So I know we have to be smart to protect those abilites. And I will continue to hope that it will all work out for the best.
My visiting teachers came by tonight, so I broke the news to them about everything that has been going on. It gets tiring telling everyone about what we are going through. It is nice for people to know, because we do need the support from our family and friends. But I always wish that I could be saying something better, wish that I had better news to share. Soon we will!
I had the opportunity to talk to my old boss today that has gone through testicular cancer, it was nice to hear from him. It is good to hear someone elses experience and have the assurance that we will get through this. He actually had a guy in his ward that had it too, and just finished chemo a month ago. So he gave us his phone number so Eric could call and talk to him. Eric has now been able to talk to two people to get their experiences and it is good for him. It is nice for both of us to get a better idea on what to expect and for someone to be honest enough to tell you the truth of how bad it sucks, but you can overcome it. It has given us strength to know that just like them, we can get through this and one day we might be able to offer the support that someone else might need. It amazes me how instantly connected you can feel to a stranger. We've never met him, but it brings an instant friendship.
I am just grateful for this day, we made progress and progress brings contentment in an overwhelming situation.
I left their office just happy inside, happy to know that someone has the knowledge to help us and is going to give Eric the attention that he deserves. It really did feel like the doctor was guided by the holy spirit to communicate to us what is needed. I have been replaying some of the things in my mind that we went over, and find it quite amazing that the doctor settled some of the things Eric and I had been disagreeing on, and it truly was an answer to our prayers to have him give us his advice. There is no way that he knew that Eric and I felt differently on where to receive treatment as he offered his advice. Eric and I walked away both happy and comfortable with the decisions that were suggested. Stay here in NV for chemo treatmens and go to Utah if surgery is needed. That just proved to me once again that Heavenly Father is hearing and answering our prayers, and he will even answer prayers through a doctors words. What a blessing.
Today has brought on its own challenges, Kaizen hasn't been feeling very well. I have been concerned and feeling terrible because we have had to have others watch him for us, and I hate to be giving others his germs. I would never do that to anyone, but under the circumstances it has been nice to know that we have friends here that care for us enough that they are willing to take care of him and risk getting our germs to support us. I took Kaizen to the doctor just to see if he has anything that I should really be worried about, but they think it is just a virus that will have to run its course. So it has been a long day on its own caring for him.
I spent a lot of time on the phone just trying to get a few things squared around. The oncologist recommended that we store more sperm to be safe as the risk of infertillity is going to increase with further treatments. So I called and ordered another kit. They luckily already sent an extra kit with the first one to have on hand, so I am grateful that they knew enough to understand how quickly these things need to be taken care of. It is a weird feeling to look at these kits and realize what their potential is. They very well contain my future. I can't help but hope that it is enough. I honestly feel like we will have more kids, it is a promised blessing that we have both been given, but no where in the fine print does it mention how. So I know we have to be smart to protect those abilites. And I will continue to hope that it will all work out for the best.
My visiting teachers came by tonight, so I broke the news to them about everything that has been going on. It gets tiring telling everyone about what we are going through. It is nice for people to know, because we do need the support from our family and friends. But I always wish that I could be saying something better, wish that I had better news to share. Soon we will!
I had the opportunity to talk to my old boss today that has gone through testicular cancer, it was nice to hear from him. It is good to hear someone elses experience and have the assurance that we will get through this. He actually had a guy in his ward that had it too, and just finished chemo a month ago. So he gave us his phone number so Eric could call and talk to him. Eric has now been able to talk to two people to get their experiences and it is good for him. It is nice for both of us to get a better idea on what to expect and for someone to be honest enough to tell you the truth of how bad it sucks, but you can overcome it. It has given us strength to know that just like them, we can get through this and one day we might be able to offer the support that someone else might need. It amazes me how instantly connected you can feel to a stranger. We've never met him, but it brings an instant friendship.
I am just grateful for this day, we made progress and progress brings contentment in an overwhelming situation.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Helpless
Last night was a hard night to fall asleep. I laid on Eric's chest sobbing, soaking his shirt with my tears. The day was not easy. There was a lot of contention between us. Feeling helpless is not an easy feeling to deal with, when help is out of your grasp. We were both upset, not knowing what to do, where to turn, and who to talk to in order to get the help we need. I spent the day on the computer trying to research cancer centers, trying to figure out if we choose to stay here in our home are we going to get the best care for Eric, or would somewhere else be better? What doctor is going to have the knowledge to make the correct choices on what needs to be done? What nurses and staff will have the compasion to care for him? How do you find answers when everyone is claiming to have the latest research available and the best information? It has been difficult, Eric and I feel so differently on where we want to be. We both of course know that our number one priority is to have him taken care of, but the differences come with everything else in between.
When the day was through, I felt ugly in side. We had let the spirit leave our home, and that is the only way we are going to get the answers we need. The realization finally settled in that we don't have the information that we need to make those decisions yet. Patience, patience, patience is what I keep telling myself. We have to once again wait, wait another day, another week until we will have the information provided to us to make our choice. We kneeled down for family prayer, put Kaizen to bed and began working on getting the garbages out.
When I was taking the garbage cans out front, I was excited to see that our neighbor was outside. Eric has a better relationship with him, so I quickly went in to get him. The spirit whispered cleary reminding me of a conversation that I had with his wife a few months ago that she worked for a cancer center. Turns out she works for the company that we have an appointment scheduled with today to go and see. It was a beautiful moment, feeling the spirit and receiving an answer. Once again reminding me that Heavenly Father is listening, he is there and ready to speak to me. I just need to listen. I had the thoughts a day or so ago to talk with my neighbor, so I am grateful that Heavenly Father doesn't give up, and sent a reminder to me again. This was a great way to come back into our home and have that strength reassured. We are weak and helpless, but it is through him that we will be made whole.
Going to bed we felt our Heavenly Fathers love. We said our prayers, and turned opposite ways to fall asleep. Eric and I have always been ones to kiss good night, through all of this it has been hard to maintain a physical intimate connection. Eric turned to me and said well don't I get a kiss goodnight? My heart seriously skipped a beat! I was then overwhelmed by the thoughts of once again our future. The thoughts of not being able to have anymore kids, or the possibility of having to wait a few years becauce chemo can damage your sperm which would cause abnormalities in a pregnancy. This is heartbreaking and scary, and once again I feel helpless. I was grateful to have a loving husband wrap his arms around me, and let me cry to him. This day was not easy, but it is over.
When the day was through, I felt ugly in side. We had let the spirit leave our home, and that is the only way we are going to get the answers we need. The realization finally settled in that we don't have the information that we need to make those decisions yet. Patience, patience, patience is what I keep telling myself. We have to once again wait, wait another day, another week until we will have the information provided to us to make our choice. We kneeled down for family prayer, put Kaizen to bed and began working on getting the garbages out.
When I was taking the garbage cans out front, I was excited to see that our neighbor was outside. Eric has a better relationship with him, so I quickly went in to get him. The spirit whispered cleary reminding me of a conversation that I had with his wife a few months ago that she worked for a cancer center. Turns out she works for the company that we have an appointment scheduled with today to go and see. It was a beautiful moment, feeling the spirit and receiving an answer. Once again reminding me that Heavenly Father is listening, he is there and ready to speak to me. I just need to listen. I had the thoughts a day or so ago to talk with my neighbor, so I am grateful that Heavenly Father doesn't give up, and sent a reminder to me again. This was a great way to come back into our home and have that strength reassured. We are weak and helpless, but it is through him that we will be made whole.
Going to bed we felt our Heavenly Fathers love. We said our prayers, and turned opposite ways to fall asleep. Eric and I have always been ones to kiss good night, through all of this it has been hard to maintain a physical intimate connection. Eric turned to me and said well don't I get a kiss goodnight? My heart seriously skipped a beat! I was then overwhelmed by the thoughts of once again our future. The thoughts of not being able to have anymore kids, or the possibility of having to wait a few years becauce chemo can damage your sperm which would cause abnormalities in a pregnancy. This is heartbreaking and scary, and once again I feel helpless. I was grateful to have a loving husband wrap his arms around me, and let me cry to him. This day was not easy, but it is over.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Life as we know it
Eric and I met in 2005, were married in 2006 had a couple of years of the average schooling struggles that so many of us go through. Eric started his career as an Air Traffic Controller at the end of 2008, bought our first house in 2009, and welcomed our baby boy into our lives at the end of that year. Our life has been fairly simple. Simple in the aspect of finacial security, we have always had enough for our needs. Smple in the aspect of our marriage,we have learned and grown together as a couple and had time to really learn how to communicate our needs before having Kaizen. Simple, in being blessed with the gift of having a healthy happy child. Simple in my day to day life of waking up to a little boy talking and laughing in the room next to me, enjoying the moring exercising outside under the beautiful sky, spending the day taking care of my baby (if I can call him that anymore..more appropriatley my toddler), nap time, dinner time, bed time. Not a lot to worry about. My life has been easily something to find joy in and the year so far that I have been blessed with to be a mother has fufilled so much of who I am and has given me so many moments to simply relish in. I have never felt a greater joy, than that of being a mother. My life is beautiful.
A few month ago I was worried with the thoughts of when we would need to start trying for another child, not ready for another pregnancy yet, but wondering when that time will be. Trying to plan around a trip to Hawaii and the hot summers of Vegas. Planning this out as if I were in complete control of this decision.
The last month has brought pain that I have never felt before. We were on vacation at Disneyland the happiest place on earth. The last day of our vacation and Eric spent the day at an Instacare facility. We returned home with specific instructions to see a specialist and whatever was going on needed to be looked at and cared for immediatley. The reading began on the internet as we waited for the next doctors appointment. A few things could be the cause of the problem, most signs leading towards cancer. I don't know about you, but usually when I read online for any symptoms of sickness it always leads to cancer...or something crazy serious. So how true could the findings be? We returned home from California on a Tuesday and Eric was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer Friday April 1st.
To be told that the one you love and care so much about has cancer, is not anything that I can fully express to anyone of how I feel. Sitting in the doctors office and a Dr. that I just met moments ago is saying the words testicular cancer, sperm banking, surgery, survival rate. Wait...what? What? Moments later we are sitting with a surgery scheduler and I am on the phone with a sperm banking company asking them to send me a kit to freeze my husbands sperm with the chance that we may not be able to have children. It was all a blur, trying to hold my composure as these people around me are going through their routine and carrying on with their day job. Walking out we made it to the first step of the staircase, and the tears have filled my eyes. The emotions are just beginning. The questions are filling my mind, not knowing what just happened and what to do to even process the information I was just given.
The thought of cancer is immediately scary, sickness, loss of hair, weak, death. Those are the four things that I only new to associate with this disease. The reading began, reading, reading, trying to learn as much as possible about this disease. The first few days were devastating, spent a lot of time sobbing on the phone to the ones I love telling them the news. General Conference is on my TV, every talk I hear has something to do about trials, cancer and the words I am trying to let sink in, but I am detached, nothing is sinking in.
The fear of not being able to have children weighs heavily on my mind. We had to schedule the surgery for about a week out, Eric wants the tumor out now, the fear of cancer spreading within yourself is something that I can not fathom, but can only sit and watch as the thoughts eat away at my husbands mind. And here I sit feeling selfish because we have to wait to have his sperm banked to protect our abilites to bring more children into our lives, a risk neither one of us what to carelessley overlook.
Denial sets in, I am coping now, coping with the lie that this isn't happening, it can't be, it can't be real. Then the greif sets in again, looking at the beautiful little boy sitting, playing on the floor with his toys, so grateful to have him, tears of grattitude stream down my face. Is he the only child I will bear? The thoughts of adoption run through my mind, devastated at the thought of the possibility of not being able to have any more kids, the possibility is small, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind.
We wait patiently for the days to pass. The "kit" comes, I prepare the package and head in the car for Fed Ex, staring at this small package knowing what it holds. The tears come again worried about if it is lost, does anyone know what this package means to me and will it be sufficent for what I need it to fulfill? The call comes from the sperm banking company, it has arrived, but only to find that the count was really low, leaving little hope in my future of being a mother to the 5-6 kids that I had so easily seen for my future. Surgery is now two days out and there is no time left to do anything further about this matter.
Erics family arrives into town. His Dad, Mom, his sweet sister, her husband, his father, and our growing nephew. All people we love have come to administer to our family through the power of the preisthood. The spirit is strong in our home, this is the first night that I have felt the peace and comfort that I have been so desperatley needing. The love of our family is easily seen, for so many to come and travel just to bring their love and strength brings a great amount of gratitude that overwhelms my spirit. The support of a loving family, a family that would come to administer a preisthood blessing and rise the next morning to journey back home, a love so strong that you can't deny their care and concern for you. The many prayers, phone calls, text messages, emails that are flooding in brings a deep joy knowing that we will are loved by many.
Thursday comes, day of surgery, I feel strong, optomistic, and silly. Grateful again for family watching over my precious baby boy so I can spend the day at the hospital. I try my best to calm my sweet husbands nerves, and bring a smile or a laugh. I am not breaking through well, but know that he is grateful for my love. The surgery went well, so the doctor says, he is pleased to find that the tumor was encapsulated within the testicle. We will see you in a week or so to follow up. I sit and wait in the waiting room, not allowed to be by his side until he is ready to come home. The doctor said it would take about an hour for Eric to come to and be ready to go home, the clock is ticking an hour passes and still no one coming to tell me to get my car ready, I watch and wait as others leave, and then the moment comes when the double doors open and an instant smile comes to my face and a rush of love as I see the love of my life sitting in a wheel chair getting rolled out to me. There is no greater feeling in this world then love, and there is no one in this world that is more deserving of all of the love that I have to offer (and of course my sweet innocent Kaizen).
The next few days are good, it feels like we are healing now. The research begins on the appropriate diet to maintain to bring the nutrients needed to assist in the healing of cancer. The words that are said and read are hard to hear, can it be possible that the foods that I prepare and feed to my family are something that causes cancer? Am I the cause of the pain that my husband is going through? Of course the answer is no, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind. I try to sort thru the areas that I feel like we can improve and focus my efforts on the things that are going to give strenghth and help in eliminating the possibilites of creating a place for cancer to survive in the body. There is a lot to learn.
Eric is feeling pretty good within a few days, his attitude is starting to change and I begin to get a glimpse again at what I would call the normal Eric. The worry sets in on wondering if the cancer has spread, but overall our spirits seem to be lifted. We went in for scans on this last Wednesday, hopeful that we caught it in time and we will continue to be on the road to healing. Follow up on the scans Friday, we are on our way to the doctor talking about what we are going to do that night, planning to take Kaizen swimming, have a BBQ, and color eggs. We sit and wait for the doctor to come in and we hear that the cancer has spread. The devastation sets in again, and the emotions and thoughts are overwhelming. Chemo will now be necessary and chances for another surgery are likely.
My family is in town, so when we arrive home we try to carry on with our plans for the night, Eric chooses to stay home as he is once again feeling very discouraged. That night we cried, scared of what lies ahead, saddness of the lack of attention our child may receive through this, wondering what we are in for, and how we are going to balance this, overwhelmed with the thought of being alone, our family is all out of state and wondering how we are going to get through and what it is going to take to get there.
The biggest question is wondering what lies ahead? Uncertain of treatment, uncertain of how his body will respond, uncertain if the cancer will continue to spread, uncertain if we are going to the right doctor, uncertain if we should stay here or go home to Utah to be easily surrounded by our family? Uncertain is what is left inside as we try to lay our heads down that night to rest.
Eric is once again very down, he sits on the couch staring in thought, it breaks my heart to see him this way, he sits at the computer researching all that he can, worried, wondering if we have done the right things so far, feeling like the doctors haven't done enough, the words escape his tounge that he wonders if he will make it through this? As I try to uplift him and give him words of encouragement I just hope that he can find the strength he needs in me. We once again are waiting for the next appointment, we will meet with the oncologist Tuesday to find out what the steps are from here. Please, please, please have some answers for us, that is my desire!
Through all of this, today of all days is Easter Sunday. A day that we spent reflecting on the Saviors life, his death, his ressurrection. He suffered for me, he suffered for us. He died for me, he died for us. He lives! He lives! I know that my redeemer lives. I have felt the peace that his atonement offers, I felt the words of my Heavenly Father speak directly to me through the preisthood. I find strength in our patriachal blessings and the blessings that we have received. I know that his promised blessings await us. I know that it is through our Savior that we will overcome this. He wil continue to bring the peace, the comfort, the love, the strength into our lives. I have seen his love already through the love, prayers and service of so many. He is mindful of me, he is mindful of my husband. He hears our prayers, and I know that they will be answered.
And now I will close my day in a humble prayer, and rest from the worries that life as we know it now brings.
A few month ago I was worried with the thoughts of when we would need to start trying for another child, not ready for another pregnancy yet, but wondering when that time will be. Trying to plan around a trip to Hawaii and the hot summers of Vegas. Planning this out as if I were in complete control of this decision.
The last month has brought pain that I have never felt before. We were on vacation at Disneyland the happiest place on earth. The last day of our vacation and Eric spent the day at an Instacare facility. We returned home with specific instructions to see a specialist and whatever was going on needed to be looked at and cared for immediatley. The reading began on the internet as we waited for the next doctors appointment. A few things could be the cause of the problem, most signs leading towards cancer. I don't know about you, but usually when I read online for any symptoms of sickness it always leads to cancer...or something crazy serious. So how true could the findings be? We returned home from California on a Tuesday and Eric was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer Friday April 1st.
To be told that the one you love and care so much about has cancer, is not anything that I can fully express to anyone of how I feel. Sitting in the doctors office and a Dr. that I just met moments ago is saying the words testicular cancer, sperm banking, surgery, survival rate. Wait...what? What? Moments later we are sitting with a surgery scheduler and I am on the phone with a sperm banking company asking them to send me a kit to freeze my husbands sperm with the chance that we may not be able to have children. It was all a blur, trying to hold my composure as these people around me are going through their routine and carrying on with their day job. Walking out we made it to the first step of the staircase, and the tears have filled my eyes. The emotions are just beginning. The questions are filling my mind, not knowing what just happened and what to do to even process the information I was just given.
The thought of cancer is immediately scary, sickness, loss of hair, weak, death. Those are the four things that I only new to associate with this disease. The reading began, reading, reading, trying to learn as much as possible about this disease. The first few days were devastating, spent a lot of time sobbing on the phone to the ones I love telling them the news. General Conference is on my TV, every talk I hear has something to do about trials, cancer and the words I am trying to let sink in, but I am detached, nothing is sinking in.
The fear of not being able to have children weighs heavily on my mind. We had to schedule the surgery for about a week out, Eric wants the tumor out now, the fear of cancer spreading within yourself is something that I can not fathom, but can only sit and watch as the thoughts eat away at my husbands mind. And here I sit feeling selfish because we have to wait to have his sperm banked to protect our abilites to bring more children into our lives, a risk neither one of us what to carelessley overlook.
Denial sets in, I am coping now, coping with the lie that this isn't happening, it can't be, it can't be real. Then the greif sets in again, looking at the beautiful little boy sitting, playing on the floor with his toys, so grateful to have him, tears of grattitude stream down my face. Is he the only child I will bear? The thoughts of adoption run through my mind, devastated at the thought of the possibility of not being able to have any more kids, the possibility is small, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind.
We wait patiently for the days to pass. The "kit" comes, I prepare the package and head in the car for Fed Ex, staring at this small package knowing what it holds. The tears come again worried about if it is lost, does anyone know what this package means to me and will it be sufficent for what I need it to fulfill? The call comes from the sperm banking company, it has arrived, but only to find that the count was really low, leaving little hope in my future of being a mother to the 5-6 kids that I had so easily seen for my future. Surgery is now two days out and there is no time left to do anything further about this matter.
Erics family arrives into town. His Dad, Mom, his sweet sister, her husband, his father, and our growing nephew. All people we love have come to administer to our family through the power of the preisthood. The spirit is strong in our home, this is the first night that I have felt the peace and comfort that I have been so desperatley needing. The love of our family is easily seen, for so many to come and travel just to bring their love and strength brings a great amount of gratitude that overwhelms my spirit. The support of a loving family, a family that would come to administer a preisthood blessing and rise the next morning to journey back home, a love so strong that you can't deny their care and concern for you. The many prayers, phone calls, text messages, emails that are flooding in brings a deep joy knowing that we will are loved by many.
Thursday comes, day of surgery, I feel strong, optomistic, and silly. Grateful again for family watching over my precious baby boy so I can spend the day at the hospital. I try my best to calm my sweet husbands nerves, and bring a smile or a laugh. I am not breaking through well, but know that he is grateful for my love. The surgery went well, so the doctor says, he is pleased to find that the tumor was encapsulated within the testicle. We will see you in a week or so to follow up. I sit and wait in the waiting room, not allowed to be by his side until he is ready to come home. The doctor said it would take about an hour for Eric to come to and be ready to go home, the clock is ticking an hour passes and still no one coming to tell me to get my car ready, I watch and wait as others leave, and then the moment comes when the double doors open and an instant smile comes to my face and a rush of love as I see the love of my life sitting in a wheel chair getting rolled out to me. There is no greater feeling in this world then love, and there is no one in this world that is more deserving of all of the love that I have to offer (and of course my sweet innocent Kaizen).
The next few days are good, it feels like we are healing now. The research begins on the appropriate diet to maintain to bring the nutrients needed to assist in the healing of cancer. The words that are said and read are hard to hear, can it be possible that the foods that I prepare and feed to my family are something that causes cancer? Am I the cause of the pain that my husband is going through? Of course the answer is no, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind. I try to sort thru the areas that I feel like we can improve and focus my efforts on the things that are going to give strenghth and help in eliminating the possibilites of creating a place for cancer to survive in the body. There is a lot to learn.
Eric is feeling pretty good within a few days, his attitude is starting to change and I begin to get a glimpse again at what I would call the normal Eric. The worry sets in on wondering if the cancer has spread, but overall our spirits seem to be lifted. We went in for scans on this last Wednesday, hopeful that we caught it in time and we will continue to be on the road to healing. Follow up on the scans Friday, we are on our way to the doctor talking about what we are going to do that night, planning to take Kaizen swimming, have a BBQ, and color eggs. We sit and wait for the doctor to come in and we hear that the cancer has spread. The devastation sets in again, and the emotions and thoughts are overwhelming. Chemo will now be necessary and chances for another surgery are likely.
My family is in town, so when we arrive home we try to carry on with our plans for the night, Eric chooses to stay home as he is once again feeling very discouraged. That night we cried, scared of what lies ahead, saddness of the lack of attention our child may receive through this, wondering what we are in for, and how we are going to balance this, overwhelmed with the thought of being alone, our family is all out of state and wondering how we are going to get through and what it is going to take to get there.
The biggest question is wondering what lies ahead? Uncertain of treatment, uncertain of how his body will respond, uncertain if the cancer will continue to spread, uncertain if we are going to the right doctor, uncertain if we should stay here or go home to Utah to be easily surrounded by our family? Uncertain is what is left inside as we try to lay our heads down that night to rest.
Eric is once again very down, he sits on the couch staring in thought, it breaks my heart to see him this way, he sits at the computer researching all that he can, worried, wondering if we have done the right things so far, feeling like the doctors haven't done enough, the words escape his tounge that he wonders if he will make it through this? As I try to uplift him and give him words of encouragement I just hope that he can find the strength he needs in me. We once again are waiting for the next appointment, we will meet with the oncologist Tuesday to find out what the steps are from here. Please, please, please have some answers for us, that is my desire!
Through all of this, today of all days is Easter Sunday. A day that we spent reflecting on the Saviors life, his death, his ressurrection. He suffered for me, he suffered for us. He died for me, he died for us. He lives! He lives! I know that my redeemer lives. I have felt the peace that his atonement offers, I felt the words of my Heavenly Father speak directly to me through the preisthood. I find strength in our patriachal blessings and the blessings that we have received. I know that his promised blessings await us. I know that it is through our Savior that we will overcome this. He wil continue to bring the peace, the comfort, the love, the strength into our lives. I have seen his love already through the love, prayers and service of so many. He is mindful of me, he is mindful of my husband. He hears our prayers, and I know that they will be answered.
And now I will close my day in a humble prayer, and rest from the worries that life as we know it now brings.
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