Life as we know it

   Eric and I met in 2005, were married in 2006 had a couple of years of the average schooling struggles that so many of us go through. Eric started his career as an Air Traffic Controller at the end of 2008, bought our first house in 2009, and welcomed our baby boy into our lives at the end of that year. Our life has been fairly simple. Simple in the aspect of finacial security, we have always had enough for our needs. Smple in the aspect of our marriage,we have learned and grown together as a couple and had time to really learn how to communicate our needs before having Kaizen. Simple, in being blessed with the gift of having a healthy happy child. Simple in my day to day life of waking up to a little boy talking and laughing in the room next to me, enjoying the moring exercising outside under the beautiful sky, spending the day taking care of my baby (if I can call him that anymore..more appropriatley my toddler), nap time, dinner time, bed time. Not a lot to worry about. My life has been easily something to find joy in and the year so far that I have been blessed with to be a mother has fufilled so much of who I am and has given me so many moments to simply relish in. I have never felt a greater joy, than that of being a mother. My life is beautiful.
   A few month ago I was worried with the thoughts of when we would need to start trying for another child, not ready for another pregnancy yet, but wondering when that time will be. Trying to plan around a trip to Hawaii and the hot summers of Vegas. Planning this out as if I were in complete control of this decision.
   The last month has brought pain that I have never felt before. We were on vacation at Disneyland the happiest place on earth. The last day of our vacation and Eric spent the day at an Instacare facility. We returned home with specific instructions to see a specialist and whatever was going on needed to be looked at and cared for immediatley. The reading began on the internet as we waited for the next doctors appointment. A few things could be the cause of the problem, most signs leading towards cancer. I don't know about you, but usually when I read online for any symptoms of sickness it always leads to cancer...or something crazy serious. So how true could the findings be? We returned home from California on a Tuesday and Eric was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer Friday April 1st.
  To be told that the one you love and care so much about has cancer, is not anything that I can fully express to anyone of how I feel. Sitting in the doctors office and a Dr. that I just met moments ago is saying the words testicular cancer, sperm banking, surgery, survival rate. Wait...what? What? Moments later we are sitting with a surgery scheduler and I am on the phone with a sperm banking company asking them to send me a kit to freeze my husbands sperm with the chance that we may not be able to have children. It was all a blur, trying to hold my composure as these people around me are going through their routine and carrying on with their day job. Walking out we made it to the first step of the staircase, and the tears have filled my eyes. The emotions are just beginning. The questions are filling my mind, not knowing what just happened and what to do to even process the information I was just given.
   The thought of cancer is immediately scary, sickness, loss of hair, weak, death. Those are the four things that I only new to associate with this disease. The reading began, reading, reading, trying to learn as much as possible about this disease. The first few days were devastating, spent a lot of time sobbing on the phone to the ones I love telling them the news. General Conference is on my TV, every talk I hear has something to do about trials, cancer and the words I am trying to let sink in, but I am detached, nothing is sinking in.
  The fear of not being able to have children weighs heavily on my mind. We had to schedule the surgery for about a week out, Eric wants the tumor out now, the fear of cancer spreading within yourself is something that I can not fathom, but can only sit and watch as the thoughts eat away at my husbands mind. And here I sit feeling selfish because we have to wait to have his sperm banked to protect our abilites to bring more children into our lives, a risk neither one of us what to carelessley overlook.
  Denial sets in, I am coping now, coping with the lie that this isn't happening, it can't be, it can't be real. Then the greif sets in again, looking at the beautiful little boy sitting, playing on the floor with his toys, so grateful to have him, tears of grattitude stream down my face. Is he the only child I will bear? The thoughts of adoption run through my mind, devastated at the thought of the possibility of not being able to have any more kids, the possibility is small, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind.
  We wait patiently for the days to pass. The "kit" comes, I prepare the package and head in the car for Fed Ex, staring at this small package knowing what it holds. The tears come again worried about if it is lost, does anyone know what this package means to me and will it be sufficent for what I need it to fulfill? The call comes from the sperm banking company, it has arrived, but only to find that the count was really low, leaving little hope in my future of being a mother to the 5-6 kids that I had so easily seen for my future. Surgery is now two days out and there is no time left to do anything further about this matter.
  Erics family arrives into town. His Dad, Mom, his sweet sister, her husband, his father, and our growing nephew. All people we love have come to administer to our family through the power of the preisthood. The spirit is strong in our home, this is the first night that I have felt the peace and comfort that I have been so desperatley needing. The love of our family is easily seen, for so many to come and travel just to bring their love and strength brings a great amount of gratitude that overwhelms my spirit. The support of a loving family, a family that would come to administer a preisthood blessing and rise the next morning to journey back home, a love so strong that you can't deny their care and concern for you. The many prayers, phone calls, text messages, emails that are flooding in brings a deep joy knowing that we will are loved by many.    
  Thursday comes, day of surgery, I feel strong, optomistic, and silly. Grateful again for family watching over my precious baby boy so I can spend the day at the hospital. I try my best to calm my sweet husbands nerves, and bring a smile or a laugh. I am not breaking through well, but know that he is grateful for my love. The surgery went well, so the doctor says, he is pleased to find that the tumor was encapsulated within the testicle. We will see you in a week or so to follow up. I sit and wait in the waiting room, not allowed to be by his side until he is ready to come home. The doctor said it would take about an hour for Eric to come to and be ready to go home, the clock is ticking an hour passes and still no one coming to tell me to get my car ready, I watch and wait as others leave, and then the moment comes when the double doors open and an instant smile comes to my face and a rush of love as I see the love of my life sitting in a wheel chair getting rolled out to me. There is no greater feeling in this world then love, and there is no one in this world that is more deserving of all of the love that I have to offer (and of course my sweet innocent Kaizen).
  The next few days are good, it feels like we are healing now. The research begins on the appropriate diet to maintain to bring the nutrients needed to assist in the healing of cancer. The words that are said and read are hard to hear, can it be possible that the foods that I prepare and feed to my family are something that causes cancer? Am I the cause of the pain that my husband is going through? Of course the answer is no, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind. I try to sort thru the areas that I feel like we can improve and focus my efforts on the things that are going to give strenghth and help in eliminating the possibilites of creating a place for cancer to survive in the body. There is a lot to learn.
   Eric is feeling pretty good within a few days, his attitude is starting to change and I begin to get a glimpse again at what I would call the normal Eric. The worry sets in on wondering if the cancer has spread, but overall our spirits seem to be lifted. We went in for scans on this last Wednesday, hopeful that we caught it in time and we will continue to be on the road to healing. Follow up on the scans Friday, we are on our way to the doctor talking about what we are going to do that night, planning to take Kaizen swimming, have a BBQ, and color eggs. We sit and wait for the doctor to come in and we hear that the cancer has spread. The devastation sets in again, and the emotions and thoughts are overwhelming. Chemo will now be necessary and chances for another surgery are likely.
  My family is in town, so when we arrive home we try to carry on with our plans for the night, Eric chooses to stay home as he is once again feeling very discouraged. That night we cried, scared of what lies ahead, saddness of the lack of attention our child may receive through this, wondering what we are in for, and how we are going to balance this, overwhelmed with the thought of being alone, our family is all out of state and wondering how we are going to get through and what it is going to take to get there.
   The biggest question is wondering what lies ahead? Uncertain of treatment, uncertain of how his body will respond, uncertain if the cancer will continue to spread, uncertain if we are going to the right doctor, uncertain if we should stay here or go home to Utah to be easily surrounded by our family? Uncertain is what is left inside as we try to lay our heads down that night to rest.
   Eric is once again very down, he sits on the couch staring in thought, it breaks my heart to see him this way, he sits at the computer researching all that he can, worried, wondering if we have done the right things so far, feeling like the doctors haven't done enough, the words escape his tounge that he wonders if he will make it through this? As I try to uplift him and give him words of encouragement I just hope that he can find the strength he needs in me. We once again are waiting for the next appointment, we will meet with the oncologist Tuesday to find out what the steps are from here. Please, please, please have some answers for us, that is my desire!
  Through all of this, today of all days is Easter Sunday. A day that we spent reflecting on the Saviors life, his death, his ressurrection. He suffered for me, he suffered for us. He died for me, he died for us. He lives! He lives! I know that my redeemer lives. I have felt the peace that his atonement offers, I felt the words of my Heavenly Father speak directly to me through the preisthood. I find strength in our patriachal blessings and the blessings that we have received. I know that his promised blessings await us. I know that it is through our Savior that we will overcome this. He wil continue to bring the peace, the comfort, the love, the strength into our lives. I have seen his love already through the love, prayers and service of so many. He is mindful of me, he is mindful of my husband. He hears our prayers, and I know that they will be answered.
And now I will close my day in a humble prayer, and rest from the worries that life as we know it now brings.