Helpless

   Last night was a hard night to fall asleep. I laid on Eric's chest sobbing, soaking his shirt with my tears. The day was not easy. There was a lot of contention between us. Feeling helpless is not an easy feeling to deal with, when help is out of your grasp. We were both upset, not knowing what to do, where to turn, and who to talk to in order to get the help we need. I spent the day on the computer trying to research cancer centers, trying to figure out if we choose to stay here in our home are we going to get the best care for Eric, or would somewhere else be better? What doctor is going to have the knowledge to make the correct choices on what needs to be done? What nurses and staff will have the compasion to care for him? How do you find answers when everyone is claiming to have the latest research available and the best information? It has been difficult, Eric and I feel so differently on where we want to be. We both of course know that our number one priority is to have him taken care of, but the differences come with everything else in between.
  When the day was through, I felt ugly in side. We had let the spirit leave our home, and that is the only way we are going to get the answers we need. The realization finally settled in that we don't have the information that we need to make those decisions yet. Patience, patience, patience is what I keep telling myself. We have to once again wait, wait another day, another week until we will have the information provided to us to make our choice. We kneeled down for family prayer, put Kaizen to bed and began working on getting the garbages out.
   When I was taking the garbage cans out front, I was excited to see that our neighbor was outside. Eric has a better relationship with him, so I quickly went in to get him. The spirit whispered cleary reminding me of a conversation that I had with his wife a few months ago that she worked for a cancer center. Turns out she works for the company that we have an appointment scheduled with today to go and see. It was a beautiful moment, feeling the spirit and receiving an answer. Once again reminding me that Heavenly Father is listening, he is there and ready to speak to me. I just need to listen. I had the thoughts a day or so ago to talk with my neighbor, so I am grateful that Heavenly Father doesn't give up, and sent a reminder to me again. This was a great way to come back into our home and have that strength reassured. We are weak and helpless, but it is through him that we will be made whole.
   Going to bed we felt our Heavenly Fathers love. We said our prayers, and turned opposite ways to fall asleep. Eric and I have always been ones to kiss good night, through all of this it has been hard to maintain a physical intimate connection. Eric turned to me and said well don't I get a kiss goodnight? My heart seriously skipped a beat! I was then overwhelmed by the thoughts of once again our future. The thoughts of not being able to have anymore kids, or the possibility of having to wait a few years becauce chemo can damage your sperm which would cause abnormalities in a pregnancy. This is heartbreaking and scary, and once again I feel helpless. I was grateful to have a loving husband wrap his arms around me, and let me cry to him. This day was not easy, but it is over.