Friends for Life

   Shortly after Eric and I found out he had cancer, we were instructed to come to the doctors office for a chemo class to learn what to expect and how to deal with the side effects of chemo. There sitting next to us was another couple who were also trying to cope with the news of cancer. Both our husbands were scheduled to start chemo the same day. As the weeks passed a friendship was quickly obtained, the support that someone can lend that is going through the same thing is irreplacable. Having someone to talk to during the long hours of sitting in the infusion room, and there for you when you are apart just to hear the latest and giving you a kind word of support. Our hopes for both of our husbands to be cured were in line to be finishing up chemo around the same time, both of our situations took a different road and the battle was yet won. Eric is now in remission, and he is still fighting. Fighting for his life, a beautiful wife, and four kids that need him. My heart weighs heavy tonight, wanting the same success for them as we have found. This disease is one of the scariest things I have been faced with in my life. You are helpless hoping for a cure, and not having time to waste on mistakes in treatment plans, as the bad only gets worse with time. Grateful we are so lucky to be where we are at today, and wishing so badly that their victory will soon be won.

Remission

Wow! I have a lot to catch up on. We have been home from Utah for two weeks now. Eric's srugery was an absolute success. The morning of surgery we were both in good spirits, but nervous. I was so grateful when we arrived as sweet Aimee, Emma, and Mila were there to greet us upon our arrival at 5: 45 am. The staff was prompt to get Eric back and prepared for surgery. When we had to say goodbye he looked back at me and said, "See you on the otherside". To all of you reading this, that is not the best thing to say to your loved one when you are going in for a major surgery, he thought he was pretty funny! Aimee and the girls were so nice to have there waiting with me, it was nice to have someone to talk to and distract me from my emotions and worries. He was in surgery for about 5 hours, and the doctor removed 25 lymph nodes. Only 2 of the 25 were cancer, and thankfully turned out to be teratoma cancer which had to be surgically removed.
   The weeks following surgery were tough, but good. We spent five days at the hospital, the staff and everyone at Huntsman were great. They were very caring and did an exceptional job to keep the pain as minimal as possible. He went about 3 days without food and water, they had him on an IV and he was able to spounge his mouth as needed, but had to wait patiently for his bowels to wake up before he could have any food. He absolutley loved having an epidural, it kept his abdomen numb so the pain was easily managed. The most painful part was driving from the hospital to Eric's parents home where we would spend the next several weeks recovering.
   The recovery was slow, but enjoyable. It was nice being surrounded by our families and getting the extra support. It took about two weeks for him to feel well enough to get up and moving much in the day. He would take short walks in the hospital and around the house, but within about two weeks he was to the point that we would take a short walk outside, or he was able to sit up at the dinner table every once in awhile for a meal. By the time we returned home, he was getting around a lot better, but was still needing a lot of rest in the day. He started to cut back on his pain pills as he was looking forward to returning to work and getting back to normal life.
  We were on a high of excitement hopeful that they got all of the cancer, and starting to feel like life was getting back to normal. Our return home was a quick realitly check that we still had to get the final word on the success of his overall treatments. We prayed fervently that the news would be good, and for the time being were just happy to be feeling good. We met with the doctor the Monday after we got back and by Thursday the results were in on his blood work and all of his hormone levels were normal! What great news! He is in remission! He was able to get his medical back at work and just recertified so he can start controlling planes again! He will do blood work and a chest scan again in November. So for the time being we are taking in every moment of this beautiful life we have been blessed with and are so grateful to be enjoying the simple things of life. For me waking up to a sweet baby boy knocking on his door calling for mama (he learned how to climb out of his crib, so we upgraded him to a twin bed...but had to reverse a lock on his door to keep him in there!) seeing the furry man laying next to me, getting a lunch packed and kissing my husband goodbye, spending the day with the cutest little boy in the world teaching him new things, and listening to him walk around all day asking for Dada as he has now spent the last 5 weeks seeing him every day, watching him greet his Dad as soon as the garage door opens, kissing my husband with the baby boy in his arms, dinner as a family, nightly bubble blowing outside, scriptures and prayers, singing and relishing in the small moment in each day that my baby boy wants to cuddle in my arms, tucking him in to bed, and enjoying a few hours each night with the most amazing man in my life. This is what makes my life worth living each day.

Desperate

   This last week has been another week of hard news. The scan that Eric had completed revealed that there is still a mass in his lymph node. We met with the urologist at Huntsman on Tuesday, and he confirmed that surgery is needed.  It has shrunk about 50% from the original scan, but at this point they do need to remove any lymph nodes that are still showing signs of the disease. His surgery is scheduled for August 15th. This is a massive surgery, the incision will start at his chest and follow down the center of his abdomen below his belt line. They pretty much have to take out all of your intensines and organs in order to get to the lymph nodes as they lay along your spine. The doctor said that the surgery can take anywhere from 6-20 hours. He does not expect it to go much longer then 6 hours, he feels that Eric's situation is pretty straight forward and there shouldn't be very many complications. He will go into the area and dissect any of the tissue that shows signs of cancer. Once everything has been removed they will complete a biopsy on the tissue/tumor to determine what type of cancer it is that is left. They said that there is about a 30% chance that it could be dead tissue, 40% chance that it is teratoma cancer (which cannot be killed by chemo) and a 30% chance that it could be other types of cancer. If it is anyother type of cancer besides teratoma, he will have to do further chemo after the surgery. This of course would not be a good thing as at this point they would have to give him a very high potent chemo drug.
   One of the major areas of concern with this surgery that is hard to preserve, is the nerves that function your ejaculation. The nerves are intertwined in the area that they will have to remove tissue from and get through to remove the cancer. The doctor felt that he will likely be able to preserve the right side of his nerves, but was not very confident in the left side. He just simply said that they would do their best, but unfortunatley it is one area they they cannot make any guarantees. Another area of concern is the kidney, the placement of these lymph nodes is near the kidney and sometimes that organ can be damaged during the surgery. He did not feel that there was much concern in Eric's situation as the tumor is not very big, so he didn't think this was a real area of concern for Eric, but he mentioned as there can be problems.
  Recovery from this is going to be a long process. He will be in the hospital for about 5-7 days. They have to starve you for a few days until you show signs that your bowels are functioning. Once he is showing signs that they are working they will then slowly allow you to eat to make sure everything is in working order. They will give him an epidural for pain management for a few days after the surgery. Then once released from the hospital it can take about 6 weeks until you are starting to feel somewhat normal, and full recovery is about 3 months.
   This whole situation begins to get a little more frightening each day. You wonder what the future holds, and if this is what life is going to continue to bring. We overcome one thing that is expected to take care of the cancer only to learn that something else is needed. Our doctor is confident that we are continuing on the right steps to overcome this, and told Eric that he expects him to live a long life. The most frightening thing that he said is that if in fact it is teratoma cancer and it isn't removed in a timely manner that it can morph into other types of cancer, and he said quite frankly that those patients die. To know that you are potentially one step away from this possibility is not a comforting thought. I am not focusing on these thoughts, but am remembering the blessings that he has received and the peace that I feel in knowing that he will overcome this. I have faith that the surgeons hands will be guided and he will be able to remove the cancer with little complications or further damages. I know that this is going to be a hard thing to witness, to sit by quietly and continue to watch the pain and suffering that Eric bares. With nothing more to offer then my love and support for him. Wishing at some point that I could take his place and give him a break from his pain, and at the same moment being reminded that there is already one that has felt his pain and suffering. And I can be an instrument in his hands to aid Eric through this. My prayer today is that I can be trusted and capable to do exactly that.  

Latest Update

   Just a quick update, we haven't found out any further information. Our doctor wanted Erics CT rescheduled, as he decided to do one last round of chemo last friday. We finished that, and had the CT scan done this morning. We are meeting with the doctor this Friday to hopefully go over the results of the scan. Our doctor wanted us to find a urologist that we trusted to do the surgery in case it is needed so he can also look over the scan and the two doctors can collaborate. We have an appointment scheduled with a urologist that Eric has done a lot of research on in Salt Lake. So hopefully by Friday we should at least know what direction we are headed! Thanks to all of you for your love and prayers!

Almost Over!

    First I need to apologize for the time it has taken me to post, as I am sure there have been some waiting for an update on what has been going on. These last few weeks have been hard ones. Eric's body has become weaker and weaker with every round of chemo. This last week with the fourth of July holiday, they gave Eric his five days of chemo within four days. He was immediately wiped out, each day the side effects just worsened. He has spent the weekend in bed, sick. He is so worn out from this, and it takes everything within him just to get up out of bed. He was actually feeling somewhat better this morning and was able to get up out of bed for a little while, but that only lasted for an hour and he was back to bed. The sores in his throat have gotten worse with this round of chemo, and he is just sick to his stomach all of the time. The doctor tried giving him a patch for his nausea, but it hasn't seemed to help much. He explained to me today that his entire body just feels like it is weighing him down, that all of his organs and everything combined just feels sluggish and heavy. He has a hard time sleeping during the day because all of the medication keeps his mind wired, so he just lays in bed with his eyes shut totally exhausted. I can't imagine feeling as sick as he does that it seems too much to even lay with your eyes open. I just keep trying to remind him that the worst is over, and now it is time to regain his strength and start feeling better. One of the hardest things through all of this has been the process of getting knocked down, finally regaining his strength and starting to feel okay, and then submitting yourself to do it over and over again. I am just glad to finally be able to be telling him that it's not going to happen again, he has made it to the end of this dreaded chemo!
   Last week the doctor wanted Eric to get a pulmonary function test to see how his lung capacity is, the drug bleomycin that he has been getting every Tuesday can cause permanant damages to your lungs, and they are concerened that Eric may be at the max amount that he can be given without causing damages. But because of how sick Eric was, he wasn't able to do the test. Tomorrow morning I'll have to take him to have that done, as he has to complete it before Tuesday so they can know if they are okay to give him a final dose of this chemo. I am hoping that he will be feeling well enough to get out of bed in the morning and make it to the hospital to do this. Then on Tuesday once we have the results from the test, he will have the final dose of chemo.
  Later in the week we have his CT scan scheduled to check the progress of the cancer. This scan will help determine if  the RPLND surgery will be needed. We are praying our hearts out that he won't have to have this surgery. He is absolutely dreading this possibility. I can't imagine at this point how his body will be able to take it, but whatever the outcome I know that the Lord will strengthen him to do what is needed. I am anxious to hear what the next steps will be and hopeful that the chemo has been enough to kill the cancer. I can't wait for the day to see Eric functioning normal again and just to see him do everything that he wants to do.
  Last week before he started this round of chemo he recieved a priesthood blessing from one of our friends. In this blessing he was blessed with the ability to again be able to play with Kaizen, this was a very sacred moment for us. Eric has often looked at Kaizen and wished so badly that he could be on the ground playing with him and has been hard for him to just sit and watch. To hear this in his blessing was just another testament that our Heavenly Father is mindful of our desires. This isn't anything that anyone knew was bothering Eric except for me, and those words were spoken not by mistake, but as a witness in our home that our Savior is here. Our Father is hearing our prayers and continues to send his ministering angels to bear us up.
  Throughout these last few weeks a song keeps coming to my mind as I receive little bits of inspiration and confirmation from the Holy Ghost. It is the song I Feel My Saviors Love.

I feel my Saviors love in all the world around me
His spirit warms my soul through everything I see
He knows I will follow him give all my life to him
I feel my Saviors love, the love he freely gives me.

I have had small moments, that the spirit has come and witnessed to me that my Savior is here and loves me. That he is mindful of my needs, and continues to administer to me through the service of others. He is the creator of all things, of life itself, and of me. As a parent you get a small glimpse of what joy it is to create life, and with that joy comes a great love. A love that cannot be explained like any other. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and loves Eric his son. We have much to learn in this life to one day obtain our goal to become like him. I stand ready and listening and asking for his help to become the daughter he sees in me.

Humility

  Today has been a beautiful day. Our bishop asked our ward to join in fast on Eric's behlaf. As Kaizen and I loaded up to go to church, I was already filled with the spirit. It was humbling to go to church, knowing that so many of our ward members are offering up prayers on our behalf. Sitting in a congregation knowing that so many surrounding me are joining in prayer asking for Heavenly Father to give Eric the strength to overcome this. The power of prayer is real, I know that it is a simple thing that can bring great miracles. I have witnessed my prayers being heard and answered, and am grateful to know that I can continue to receive answers to my prayers. There have been times in my life that my prayers have been monotonous. When there has been a lack of thinking and pondering about the things that I pray for. I pray and thank Heavenly Father for the usual things that I am undoubtly thankful for, but don't pause to simply think. It is in times of trial that I often find my prayers becoming more meaningful, when my heart is broken and prayer is the only thing that can offer a deep sense of comfort and peace.
  A few weeks ago we sat around the dinner table with friends and their little girl said the prayer over dinner. In her prayer she asked to bless Eric to feel better. A few nights ago a friend brought a card over for Eric that their young daughter had made, and he told us that she too asks for Eric to be blessed. These young kids are praying because of the prayers that they hear their parents saying. These kind words that are being offered up to bless my family are humbling.
   D&C 112:10 reads Be thou humble and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answers to thy prayers. Trials are put before us to humble us so we can learn. As I read today in the topical guide under humility most of the scriptures imply that it is through humility that God can teach us. I hope one day that I can improve myself enough that I can be taught the things that I need to learn without first having to be humbled. To even ponder for a moment, on who I would be if I would always have humility in my heart. This a charachteristic I hope to obtain and carry with me always. I am grateful to know that I as I put my trust in Heavenly Father that he will lead me by his hand. I have seen his love, I have felt his spirit lift me up. I have been humbled this day knowing that there are many who are mindful of my family.

What a Week

  I have been feeling bad taking so long to update everyone on this last week. My last post I was so suprised by how well Eric was handling the chemo. Wednesday came and I saw an immediate change in him. It has been a rough week. Eric became very weak and tired. He slept through chemo each day and would come home and sleep all night. By the time Friday came I wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to handle another day, but he did it. He literally has spent the last six days in bed. He has hardly had the strength to get out of bed for any reason. On Saturday morning I had to take him to the doctor to get a shot for his white blood cells, unfortunatley they schedule everyone to come in by 8 am, so he was not too happy with the early wake up call to go back to the doctor. He hasn't been talking much over the last few days, this last week really just took everything out him. He has been pretty sick to his stomach, his sore throat has come back, he keeps getting dizzy spells, but overall the worst part has been the exhaustion.
   I have had a few neat experiences over the last couple of days. The other night climbing into bed, I laid next to Eric and cried a bit laying with my face on his back. I was thinking about how in life we all have our challenges to overcome, there are so many people that have challenges that I question if I would be able to overcome. The tragedy of losing a parent as a young child, or a parent losing a child, or even listening to a military family on Sunday that has sacrificed their husband and father on numerous occasions to serve willing to loose his life for our country. And I couldn't help but sit and be grateful for the heart that I could hear beating in my ear, and knowing that when the sun rises in the morning, that the beautiful green eyes next to me would flutter open for me to see.  Yes this time is hard, but I am grateful to know that we are given trials in which we can overcome, and it is through the atonement of the Savior that makes it possible. Eric and I are not physically or emotionally strong enough on our own to get through times likes these, but it is through the perfect love of our Savior that makes us whole.
  I was also reflecting on the atonement and the suffering in which was endured. The Savior asked for the Fathers help, but in turn asked for his will to be done. He suffered all pain, the very pain that my sweet husband is enduring. And our Father in Heaven himself must have suffered out of love for his son, seeing his pain, but knowing its purpose to be fulfilled. This is how some trials can come in our lives. Here Eric is suffering the pain and the affliction of this disease, he has said lately that he feels completely broken. He is suffering the true pain of this trial. And then here I am suffering an entirely different way watching the one I love and care for so deeply to be so weak in pain. And wanting so badly to do something to take it away, to make it go away. But of course I am powerless, but do know that there is a purpose to this and a greater understanding will one day be seen.
   One thing that I have already seen that I need to improve, is my ability to remain patient when stress is running high. I have the tendency to react in a harsh tone when I feel stressed out. I have been recognizing this more and more over the last few weeks, and have to continually ask for forgiveness to react so selfishly. As I partook of the sacrament on Sunday, and listened to the talks that were given, I was reflecting on myself and asking Heavenly Father in a silent prayer to please help refine me, please help me to have patience and long suffering in moments that I am at my breaking point. And of course his help has already come. My Dad gave me a blessing this morning before they left, and in that blessing I was told that when my cup is empty and I have no more to give in moments where the stress is running high in me, that I need to turn to my Father in Heaven for help and it is through him that I can be directed and receive the patience that I need. What a beautiful moment. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and hears my prayers, those words were not a coincidence, he heard the prayer of one of his daughters with a broken heart and as offered his help. It is still my responsibilty to ask for it in those moments, but he will teach me and allow me to learn and grow to make me a better servant for him.
    I am not perfect, but I know that it is through my loving Savior that one day I will stand before him and hope that what I have become is sufficent to be made perfect through him.  

Week 4

   We have made it through the first regiment of chemo! This week started off well. My mom flew into town Sunday to be here with us this week. Sunday night, our home teacher and the Elders Quorm president came over to give Eric a blessing before starting this next long week of chemo. We have to go in every day again this week. Yesterday went really well. We received the results from Eric's MRI, and everything came back normal. This was great news! When the doctor came in to find Eric to give him some information he did not recognize him with all of his hair gone. Eric was pretty tired after coming home, but he was able to rest for a couple hours and woke up feeling good.
   Today went smoothly, we learned that his tumor markers are now down to 157! That's right they are no longer in the thousands!! Yeah! This was awesome to hear! Eric has felt really good tonight, we were quite suprised thinking that he would be a lot more worn out this week, but so far he is really handling it well. The bishop came by to visit and was suprised himself that he was doing so well, he thought he would have found him really frail and sick. Eric is truly being blessed with his strength. We continue to pray that he will be strengthened. One of our friends brought in dinner tonight for us which was nice getting home after a long day at the doctors and not having to worry about it. It is so nice having the love and support of so many. What great friends and family we have.
   I wanted to share a couple of pictures that we have taken over the last few weeks!

Eric and I went on a date the Saturday before he started Chemo, this was taken that night! Two little love birds!

Eric and Kaizen this last weekend! Daddy sporting his new hair do! I've learned that with or without hair my hubby is still the hottest man I've ever laid eyes on!

  Eric is strong, he has handled all of this with the best attitude I think possible. He keeps smiling, and has a positive attitude. The hard moments still come where worry and doubt set it, but over the last few weeks it has been easier to keep those thoughts away and focus on the idea that we will overcome this. What a great day it will be when we are looking back on these days. But for now we will keep our heads held high, and thank our Father in Heaven for the blessings that he sends each day.

Week 3

     We woke up to great news this morning! The doctors office called to inform us that Eric's tumor markers are down to 6000! This was very exciting to hear, the chemo is working! Eric has been thrilled to hear each time they have dropped, it is such a relief to know that we are getting results! So our day started off well!
    We went in today for the MRI on his brain, they should have results within 2-3 days. We are hopeful that everything will show as normal on the MRI. He sailed through that today and the chemo treatment. They did report that his white blood count is really low, so they have to give him shots every day this week to try and boost the growth of the white blood cells. So now instead of just going in once this week, he will be there the rest of the week for a shot and on Friday for blood work to check the progress. The shot can cause bone pain and flu like symptoms, so this week may be a little rough. Tonight Eric just seems to be his usual tired after treatment, but overall is doing well.
   Last night we got the clippers out and buzzed his hair off. It has been slowly thinning out, but yesterday he noticed his hair falling out a lot more. You could pull clumps of hair out of his head by running your finger through his hair, even his arm pit hair was falling out in the shower. So after a day of shedding all over everything, we gave in and buzzed it off to try and manage it better. It is weird how easily it comes out, you pull on it and it just falls right out. He has a few bald spots now in his "trademark" on his face....but he hasn't let go of it yet. We will see how long it will hang on for. The nurse commented today that he is lucky cause she still thinks he is adorable even without hair. I of course agreed, he is one handsome man!
   Eric has had a lot of strength and is handling everything really well. We are trying to keep him away from a lot of people in an effort to keep him healthy. That is the one major thing with his white blood count being low, is his body will be unable to fight off bacteria or infections. We have to really do our best to keep him germ free. Hopefully by Friday his body will have produced enough cells to be back in a normal range.
    Overall today has been a great day. It couldn't have started out any better, and the little bit of good news has lasted the whole day through!

Week 2

   Well we went to the doc office yesterday, had Eric's blood work done and had a visit with the oncologist. He explained that he wanted to order a scan for Eric's brain too. Once your tumor markers hit around 40,000 it starts to raise concern that the cancer could possibly be in the brain. The oncologist prefered having an MRI done vs the CT scan that the urologist ordered. So we decided to cancel the CT scan cause they couldn't change the type of test for us, and the oncologist ordered an MRI which is set for next Tuesday. His blood work all looked good, and they were able to take a look at his throat. He has started to get white bumps all over the back of his throat. They put him on an antibiotic and gave him some mouth wash to help with the infection and pain. Eric recieved a new nick name "gagger" from the nurse Sherry. She is a real sweetie, and we always get a good laugh working with her. Eric doesn't do well with getting his throat swabbed so needless to say that is where they came up with gagger! :)
  We went back to the doc again today for chemo. Everything was quick today, they just had to give him the bleomycin so it took about an hour and we were through. We got home, ate some dinner, and he is now upstairs sleeping! He has been a trooper this week, he went to work early yesterday morning, and went back after the appt to finish up the day. He woke up early again this morning and went to work for part of the day before it was time to head to the doc again. He is really handling things well.

For my Mother

This I wrote for you Mom.

A baby's first breath announced in a healthy cry,
followed delightfully is a new mothers sigh.
An instant bond as she lays so sweetly on her chest,
a mothers love will grow from this moment without rest.
Hungered, tired and helpless I call
For my loving mother, come and care for all.

As I grew I continued to voice my pains to my mother.
Her loving arms couldn't be replaced by any other.
A scraped knee, broken bone, or rats in my nightmare,
she would come quickly to wipe away my last tear.

As a teenager I would cry when my heart was broken,
and she was there to reassure with her soft words spoken.
My wedding day soon came and tears filled my eyes,
as I hugged and thanked her for our loving ties.

Becoming a mother myself I can finally see,
just what exactly my mother did for me.
No matter my age or stage in life,
theres one thing I can rely on in moments of strife.
When lifes toughest challeneges I have to face.
It is her that I run to for a warm embrace.

As my heart is aching, my soul so weary,
and fear is as far as my eyes can see.
Her love and comfort is what eases the pain,
without her my life would not be the same.

I Love You Mommy! Happy Mothers Day!

Day 5

   Well we finished the first full week of chemo. Eric did really well yesterday, we went to chemo for 4 hours got home, he rested for about an hour and it was time to go to the next doctors appointment. We met with the urlogoist for a follow up from his surgery. They are concerned that they did not see a decrease in Eric's tumor markers after surgery, and they are rapidly increasing, so they are now going to do a CT scan on his brain as that is usually the final area that testicular cancer will go to. Eric was pretty out of it while we were there, he was really tired and just had a hard time focusing. They scheduled the scan to be done next Friday, by the time we got him I was frustrated that they would wait so long to do it, so I called and rescheduled it for Tuesday morning.
  I am not really even sure how to react to them wanting to do this. I know it is all just a precaution, but I just can't even begin to imagine if they are to find anything. We keep hoping for good news with everything they have tested and we have yet to have any. So I am really hoping that this will be the first time we can hear something positive and find that his brain looks okay. To add brain surgery into the middle of all of this, just seems like more that I can even begin to think about handling. We will take it as it comes, and if it turns out that is added to us we will find a way to get through, but I am just praying (pleading) that the test will turn out okay.
   The rest of the evening went well. Eric actually started to feel pretty good and stayed up for the rest of the night visiting with us. We walked over to the park and let Kaizen play for a bit, it was nice to get out for a minute as a family. Those are the moments that we are just able to escape from reality and have a moment to just enjoy the simplicity of life. There is nothing quite like walking in the fresh air with the two people you love and seeing a thrill of a young boy as he goes down on his belly on the slide, and laughs as he swings. Those are the moments I live for, to just enjoy my family in such simple setting. Life doesn't get any better than that.
  Today hasn't been as easy on Eric, he has been very tired and has spent most of the day resting. He woke up, came down stairs for a bit and went back up to bed. I was trying to keep Kaizen quiet and entertained as Eric is having a hard time with noises. Then I heard him get up and into the shower, he came downstairs. I told him I was needing to go to the store, and he quickly said lets go to Costco I want a peice of pizza, so thats what we did. It wasn't long for him to regret it! He wound up with major heart burn tonight, so spent some more time resting upstairs. He came down for dinner, but wasn't in much of a mood to eat, so he headed back up to rest.
   Lorene and I were able to sneak out again this afternoon for a little "mom" time. I set up an appointment to go and get pedicures. It was fun to get out and treat Lorene to a little pampering for all of her hard work. So it was a nice couple of hours to relax.

Day 4

   Today has been a pretty good day. We woke up early again, got ready and headed out the door to the doctors for day 4 of chemo. I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to Kaizen this morning, he was still asleep when we left. Today was a little harder for me to sit and watch. Eric is already getting weaker, and he just looked really down. I have tried asking him if he is okay, and he keeps telling me that he is just tired. It is hard for me to sit and watch him going through all of this, our life has changed so darastically over thist last month, and especially this last week. I would have never thought we would be spending our days sitting at a doctors office for 4-6 hours every day.
    I have tried really hard to be positive, but today I noticed little thoughts trying to get into my head that I had to really think hard to get keep them out. Your mind is a powerful thing, and I don't want my hope to turn into fear. Last night I did a really stupid thing, I read further about Eric's stage of cancer. I keep telling myself that I don't care about the statistics and that all I would focus on is the fact that it is curable. But I did some reading, and it just hit me really hard that at his stage it is 70% curable. I know that we will get through this, I really do feel that...but just that knowledge is a scary thing. So as I sat and watched my sweet husband sitting in his chair, hooked up to an IV that is slowly dripping into his veins, all I tried to focus on was that with each drop it is killing the cancer cells. One by one they will be taken out. I have put so much trust in these doctors and nurses to make the correct choices to do exactly that, and I sit and hope. I hope that they will continue to know the correct things to do to cure my husband.
   When we got home Eric went up to rest. Kaizen was taking a nap, so Lorene and I snuck out to go run a few errands. When we got back, Kaizen was still snoozing...so I had to wait patiently for him to wake up. I was so excited to see the cute little guy. We have spent the night making dinner, went for a jog, and got back home to pay some bills. Eric has spent most of the time sleeping, but has been up now for a couple of hours. He is just exhausted, by tomorrow I am sure he will have had it for the week. But one more day and we'll get a rest for the weekend. What a week!

Hump Day

  We made it to day 3 of chemo, hump day for the week! Eric has been doing really well, these past few days. The doctors are giving him antihistamine to offset the allergic reaction each day before starting the chemo. Yesterday, Tuesday they administered three chemo drugs to him, etoposide, cisplatin, and bleomycin. They plan to have him take bleomycin every Tuesday, and then he will do the etoposide and cisplatin for the 5 days straght every third week.
  Overall he has done really well, he gets a little nauseated at night after getting home and has a difficult time shutting his brain off to sleep, all of the drugs make your mind go a hundred miles an hour. You gott a love that they have a drug to cure that though too. He has pills to take for nausea and pills to help relax him at night so he can sleep. He is overall doing well, he gets pretty sleepy while they are doing the treatment, the antihistamine knocks him out for a bit, and the cisplatin makes him pretty sleepy. Last night he was just rested on the couch for the afternoon, we took Kaizen out for a walk and Eric went off to bed. Today after treatment we got home and it was very long until he was ready to go lay down and rest. But overall he is doing really well.
   It has been such a blessing to go and be with Eric. I have enjoyed the opportunities to talk with others that are going through this, it is a scary time for so many people. Everyone is so different on how they are handling in it. I prayed to Heavenly Father that he help me to lift others and share simple messages about the gospel with them. Yesterday, a women was there with her daugther getting treatment. This mother was pretty upset with life, she lost her husband two years ago, and now her daughter has cancer and she just didn't seem to have a postivit outlook on things. I was able to simply bear testimony to her that I know that she will see her husband again. She was so sweet to share with me pictures of her family, she showed me pictures of her wedding day and the beautiful family she has created. I tried hard to reassure her and lift her spirit.
  Today, there was a woman there with her husband, he unfortunately has cancer that is not curable, but therapy will be used to prolong his life. This news has made it hard for her to cope, and she is praying that she will be taken along with him. She does not want to live without her husband. She said to me that she prays every day, but doesn't dare go back to church because she is afraid that just because she feels like she needs it now God will have turned his back on her. I was able to tell her that the God that I know exists is a loving God, I shared with her what church we belong to her and offered my knowledge that he loves her and always will.
  I have just found great strength and gratitude for my knowledge of the gospel. The blessings of having the gospel in my life and understanding the power of prayer has given me peace and understanding. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am not able to take Eric's cancer from him (oh how badly I wish I could). I can't take his place on that chair. I can't tell him exactly how hard he is going to have to fight to overcome this. But I do know there is one who can, and who has suffered in all the ways he is right now. There is one that can heal, there is one that knows what tomorrow will bring and he is the one that I will continue to put my trust in. While I sit there helpless day after day, I have found that there is work to be done. A child of God just like me doesn't know their potential, doesn't feel and understand life the way I know it to be. Just as I sit, I will continue to ask for Heavenly Father's help to offer words of comfort and inspiration to lift those around me.

Day 1

   Today was the first day of chemo. We woke up early, got ready, got our lunch packed, and got Kaizen up and fed. Just as we were getting ready to leave the door bell rang, and it was Fed Ex delivering Eric's Ipod touch! Thank you to all of our family for your support on getting that, he was excited to receive it. We met with the doctor first to go over an questions that we had before beginning the treatment, and they took his blood to have a baseline to follow on where he is starting at.
  The room that the chemo is administered in is set up with about 13 recliners, and TV's around the room. They have a small area where family members are allowed to come and sit at a table to be close to their loved ones. So Eric took his position in a recliner, and I sat at the table close by. They first started him on a saline solution, and then started the first drug. Eric became nauseated quickly, and his face turned red, he started feeling the meds inside of him and he was having a hard time breathing. He looked at me thinking he was going to throw up, and I was searching for a barf bag for him. We then got the nurses attention and the team went to his side quickly. He was having an allergic reaction to the drug, so they stopped it immediately. They hooked him up to oxygen, pumped him with some benadryl, and other steriods and called the doctor in. He came in and said that this was the drug we needed to use so they would have to try it again once they had him recover for about 30 minutes. Eric fell asleep quickly and was pretty out of it for a bit, it was a scary, frantic moment for me. I was grateful that they knew how to respond to the situation, and did so quickly. The nurse said that it was very rare, so she hasn't seen that happen very often.
   After he rested, they started it up again and he was able to handle the drugs. The rest of the day went smoothly. We were there for about 6 hours total. I spent most of the day trying to read, but not able to focus enough to get very far. I mostly reread the same page over and over again, but my mind was going way to fast to even understand the things I was reading. I was able to visit with many others that are supporting their spouses through this. It was nice to get a few helpful tips that they have learned. Something as simple as directions to the cafeteria if we ever need to buy lunch, or keeping barf bags on hand in the car etc. It was nice for others to offer their support and the simple things they have learned to make things a little easier.
   Overall it has been a good day. I am so grateful to have Eric's parents here with us looking after Kaizen. It was just comforting to know that they were here with him so I could focus on Eric and not be worrying about what time it was and how much longer until we would be relieving whomever from watching him for us. We came home to some delicious tomatoe soup, enjoyed a nice meal as family, played with Kaizen, and prepared for the day tomorrow. We are so blessed.

The Treatment Plan

   Yesterday Eric and I woke up early and headed to the doctors office for a chemo class. We spent a couple of hours there learning more about what to expect with chemo therapy. We arrived and were taken into a conference room with one other couple. A gentleman came in and turned on a movie for us to learn about the side effects of chemo. It went over all the possibilities on what people have experienced. Some of the side effects are fatique, hair loss, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of appetite, skin & nail problems, constipation, and mouth sores. The movie went over helpful tips on how to cope with these things, and when we need to alert the doctor of the situation for help. After the video we waited for a nurse to come in and talk with us. While waiting we talked with the other couple in the room. They were a bit older then us, but were obviously going through some of the same emotions with the experience of being diagnosed. She made the comment of how quickly your world can be turned upside down and I would certainly have to agree.
   The nurse soon came in to address questions and further information. I felt bad for Eric because she went over some specifics on the type of chemo Eric and the other man would be receiving and unfortunatley it sounds like Eric's is going to be a bit more intense. We soon had our questions answered, and were shown out to the waiting room for our doctor to see us. As we waited a nice lady that is a patient came over to talk to Eric and I, she was curious which one of us had cancer, and offered her words of encouragement. She has been cancer free for nearly 5 years. She told us that while she was going through chemo she learned quickly that she was fortunate as most surrounding her were much older and the purpose of their chemo was to prolong their lives. She encouraged Eric saying that he is much younger than even she was and he would find the inner strength to fight, and he would overcome this. It is so nice, that strangers can walk up to you and offer their support and strength. I have never seen such kindness between strangers. Never in a million years sitting sick in an average doctors office would anyone come up and ask you what you are sick with and encourage you to be strong. It is a powerful thing to hear these words from others that have been there. I am impressed by the kindness and compassion that I have seen in this last week.
    We then met with the doctor, he confirmed that Eric's tumor markers are still rapidly increasing. His Beta HCG was up to 36,000 where before surgery it was around 11,000. He has suggested that we move forward with chemo starting Monday in an effort to kill off as much cancer throughout his body. Surgery at this point would not be the correct move to make as that is only removing cancer from the lymph nodes that are showing large enough masses to be seen on the CT scan. He said that there is no real way of seeing everywhere that cancer cells are throughout the body, so they need to treat his entire body first to try and control the situation before doing surgery. With all of the information Eric's cancer is classified at Stage 111B. This was scary to see as the only stage below it is Stage 111C. The doctor was very kind and took the time to show us how they come to understand what stage he is in, and offered us time to look over the information. He didn't want us to leave until he came back to talk with us to make sure all of our concerns were addressed. He was so kind once again to give us his time, even though we did not have an appointment scheduled with him, he was still patient and made sure we left confident in the things he went over.
   So thats the plan, we start chemo on Monday. He will do 4 regiments of chemo, each regiment is a 21 day cycle. So week 1: he will go in Monday through Friday, week 2: he will go in on Tuesday, week 3: he will go in on Tuesday. They will repeat this cycle 3 more times. So it lookds like he will be doing chemo until mid July.
    After we left the doctors office, it was once again an emotional time. Eric and I are both scared of whats ahead. They can tell you all of the side effects and try and give you as many pointers as possible, but we still do not know how Eric will respond, since it is different for everyone. The reality of all of this is setting in quickly on how hard this is going to be. I left grateful for the knowledge of the gospel, so thankful that we can turn to our Father in Heaven in prayer and ask for his help. I would imagine that there are many that have done this without that knowledge and I wonder how they got through such a trying time? We are fortunate.
    Once arriving home, I called Eric's mom to see if they would be willing to come and help us this next week. They offered their support and willingly agreed to come and help. Eric and I are both nervous for what this next week will bring, and wanted to have the assurance of having someone here to fall back on. That way I can go with Eric when he wants me to, and someone can be here with Kaizen, without having the stress of trying to ask someone to watch him and making those arrangements. (Our friends have been a huge support and I know they would have so willingly taken on this responsibily, but I think it will just be nice to have the help right here in our home so we can pick up and go as needed) We are seriously so fortunate to have some many rooting for us! We have an awesome family and friends! We ended the day well, both tired and ready for another good nights rest!

Content

   I feel content today, grateful for the chance that we had to meet with the oncologist yesterday. It was so nice to feel at peace with the things we were told, and pleased with the overall feeling with the staff, nurses, and doctor. The doctor spent over an hour in the room with us, never rushing us, just simply giving us his time and having patience with us as we went over all of our questions and concerns. We really felt good leaving their office yesterday. They took Erics blood to check and see where his tumor markers are at, this will give them the information they need to determine if they want to start with chemo or surgery first. The doctor was so caring and seems to be very on top of the situation. They are preparing Eric to start chemo on monday, and will deal with cancellations and things if the blood work comes back normal. It is soo nice having someone invested in getting this taken care of, he is being proactive and actually moving forward to help us.
  I left their office just happy inside, happy to know that someone has the knowledge to help us and is going to give Eric the attention that he deserves. It really did feel like the doctor was guided by the holy spirit to communicate to us what is needed. I have been replaying some of the things in my mind that we went over, and find it quite amazing that the doctor settled some of the things Eric and I had been disagreeing on, and it truly was an answer to our prayers to have him give us his advice. There is no way that he knew that Eric and I felt differently on where to receive treatment as he offered his advice. Eric and I walked away both happy and comfortable with the decisions that were suggested. Stay here in NV for chemo treatmens and go to Utah if surgery is needed. That just proved to me once again that Heavenly Father is hearing and answering our prayers, and he will even answer prayers through a doctors words. What a blessing.
   Today has brought on its own challenges, Kaizen hasn't been feeling very well. I have been concerned and feeling terrible because we have had to have others watch him for us, and I hate to be giving others his germs. I would never do that to anyone, but under the circumstances it has been nice to know that we have friends here that care for us enough that they are willing to take care of him and risk getting our germs to support us. I took Kaizen to the doctor just to see if he has anything that I should really be worried about, but they think it is just a virus that will have to run its course. So it has been a long day on its own caring for him.
    I spent a lot of time on the phone just trying to get a few things squared around. The oncologist recommended that we store more sperm to be safe as the risk of infertillity is going to increase with further treatments. So I called and ordered another kit. They luckily already sent an extra kit with the first one to have on hand, so I am grateful that they knew enough to understand how quickly these things need to be taken care of. It is a weird feeling to look at these kits and realize what their potential is. They very well contain my future. I can't help but hope that it is enough. I honestly feel like we will have more kids, it is a promised blessing that we have both been given, but no where in the fine print does it mention how. So I know we have to be smart to protect those abilites. And I will continue to hope that it will all work out for the best.
  My visiting teachers came by tonight, so I broke the news to them about everything that has been going on. It gets tiring telling everyone about what we are going through. It is nice for people to know, because we do need the support from our family and friends. But I always wish that I could be saying something better, wish that I had better news to share. Soon we will!
  I had the opportunity to talk to my old boss today that has gone through testicular cancer, it was nice to hear from him. It is good to hear someone elses experience and have the assurance that we will get through this. He actually had a guy in his ward that had it too, and just finished chemo a month ago. So he gave us his phone number so Eric could call and talk to him. Eric has now been able to talk to two people to get their experiences and it is good for him. It is nice for both of us to get a better idea on what to expect and for someone to be honest enough to tell you the truth of how bad it sucks, but you can overcome it. It has given us strength to know that just like them, we can get through this and one day we might be able to offer the support that someone else might need. It amazes me how instantly connected you can feel to a stranger. We've never met him, but it brings an instant friendship.
    I am just grateful for this day, we made progress and progress brings contentment in an overwhelming situation.

 
   

Helpless

   Last night was a hard night to fall asleep. I laid on Eric's chest sobbing, soaking his shirt with my tears. The day was not easy. There was a lot of contention between us. Feeling helpless is not an easy feeling to deal with, when help is out of your grasp. We were both upset, not knowing what to do, where to turn, and who to talk to in order to get the help we need. I spent the day on the computer trying to research cancer centers, trying to figure out if we choose to stay here in our home are we going to get the best care for Eric, or would somewhere else be better? What doctor is going to have the knowledge to make the correct choices on what needs to be done? What nurses and staff will have the compasion to care for him? How do you find answers when everyone is claiming to have the latest research available and the best information? It has been difficult, Eric and I feel so differently on where we want to be. We both of course know that our number one priority is to have him taken care of, but the differences come with everything else in between.
  When the day was through, I felt ugly in side. We had let the spirit leave our home, and that is the only way we are going to get the answers we need. The realization finally settled in that we don't have the information that we need to make those decisions yet. Patience, patience, patience is what I keep telling myself. We have to once again wait, wait another day, another week until we will have the information provided to us to make our choice. We kneeled down for family prayer, put Kaizen to bed and began working on getting the garbages out.
   When I was taking the garbage cans out front, I was excited to see that our neighbor was outside. Eric has a better relationship with him, so I quickly went in to get him. The spirit whispered cleary reminding me of a conversation that I had with his wife a few months ago that she worked for a cancer center. Turns out she works for the company that we have an appointment scheduled with today to go and see. It was a beautiful moment, feeling the spirit and receiving an answer. Once again reminding me that Heavenly Father is listening, he is there and ready to speak to me. I just need to listen. I had the thoughts a day or so ago to talk with my neighbor, so I am grateful that Heavenly Father doesn't give up, and sent a reminder to me again. This was a great way to come back into our home and have that strength reassured. We are weak and helpless, but it is through him that we will be made whole.
   Going to bed we felt our Heavenly Fathers love. We said our prayers, and turned opposite ways to fall asleep. Eric and I have always been ones to kiss good night, through all of this it has been hard to maintain a physical intimate connection. Eric turned to me and said well don't I get a kiss goodnight? My heart seriously skipped a beat! I was then overwhelmed by the thoughts of once again our future. The thoughts of not being able to have anymore kids, or the possibility of having to wait a few years becauce chemo can damage your sperm which would cause abnormalities in a pregnancy. This is heartbreaking and scary, and once again I feel helpless. I was grateful to have a loving husband wrap his arms around me, and let me cry to him. This day was not easy, but it is over.

  

Life as we know it

   Eric and I met in 2005, were married in 2006 had a couple of years of the average schooling struggles that so many of us go through. Eric started his career as an Air Traffic Controller at the end of 2008, bought our first house in 2009, and welcomed our baby boy into our lives at the end of that year. Our life has been fairly simple. Simple in the aspect of finacial security, we have always had enough for our needs. Smple in the aspect of our marriage,we have learned and grown together as a couple and had time to really learn how to communicate our needs before having Kaizen. Simple, in being blessed with the gift of having a healthy happy child. Simple in my day to day life of waking up to a little boy talking and laughing in the room next to me, enjoying the moring exercising outside under the beautiful sky, spending the day taking care of my baby (if I can call him that anymore..more appropriatley my toddler), nap time, dinner time, bed time. Not a lot to worry about. My life has been easily something to find joy in and the year so far that I have been blessed with to be a mother has fufilled so much of who I am and has given me so many moments to simply relish in. I have never felt a greater joy, than that of being a mother. My life is beautiful.
   A few month ago I was worried with the thoughts of when we would need to start trying for another child, not ready for another pregnancy yet, but wondering when that time will be. Trying to plan around a trip to Hawaii and the hot summers of Vegas. Planning this out as if I were in complete control of this decision.
   The last month has brought pain that I have never felt before. We were on vacation at Disneyland the happiest place on earth. The last day of our vacation and Eric spent the day at an Instacare facility. We returned home with specific instructions to see a specialist and whatever was going on needed to be looked at and cared for immediatley. The reading began on the internet as we waited for the next doctors appointment. A few things could be the cause of the problem, most signs leading towards cancer. I don't know about you, but usually when I read online for any symptoms of sickness it always leads to cancer...or something crazy serious. So how true could the findings be? We returned home from California on a Tuesday and Eric was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer Friday April 1st.
  To be told that the one you love and care so much about has cancer, is not anything that I can fully express to anyone of how I feel. Sitting in the doctors office and a Dr. that I just met moments ago is saying the words testicular cancer, sperm banking, surgery, survival rate. Wait...what? What? Moments later we are sitting with a surgery scheduler and I am on the phone with a sperm banking company asking them to send me a kit to freeze my husbands sperm with the chance that we may not be able to have children. It was all a blur, trying to hold my composure as these people around me are going through their routine and carrying on with their day job. Walking out we made it to the first step of the staircase, and the tears have filled my eyes. The emotions are just beginning. The questions are filling my mind, not knowing what just happened and what to do to even process the information I was just given.
   The thought of cancer is immediately scary, sickness, loss of hair, weak, death. Those are the four things that I only new to associate with this disease. The reading began, reading, reading, trying to learn as much as possible about this disease. The first few days were devastating, spent a lot of time sobbing on the phone to the ones I love telling them the news. General Conference is on my TV, every talk I hear has something to do about trials, cancer and the words I am trying to let sink in, but I am detached, nothing is sinking in.
  The fear of not being able to have children weighs heavily on my mind. We had to schedule the surgery for about a week out, Eric wants the tumor out now, the fear of cancer spreading within yourself is something that I can not fathom, but can only sit and watch as the thoughts eat away at my husbands mind. And here I sit feeling selfish because we have to wait to have his sperm banked to protect our abilites to bring more children into our lives, a risk neither one of us what to carelessley overlook.
  Denial sets in, I am coping now, coping with the lie that this isn't happening, it can't be, it can't be real. Then the greif sets in again, looking at the beautiful little boy sitting, playing on the floor with his toys, so grateful to have him, tears of grattitude stream down my face. Is he the only child I will bear? The thoughts of adoption run through my mind, devastated at the thought of the possibility of not being able to have any more kids, the possibility is small, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind.
  We wait patiently for the days to pass. The "kit" comes, I prepare the package and head in the car for Fed Ex, staring at this small package knowing what it holds. The tears come again worried about if it is lost, does anyone know what this package means to me and will it be sufficent for what I need it to fulfill? The call comes from the sperm banking company, it has arrived, but only to find that the count was really low, leaving little hope in my future of being a mother to the 5-6 kids that I had so easily seen for my future. Surgery is now two days out and there is no time left to do anything further about this matter.
  Erics family arrives into town. His Dad, Mom, his sweet sister, her husband, his father, and our growing nephew. All people we love have come to administer to our family through the power of the preisthood. The spirit is strong in our home, this is the first night that I have felt the peace and comfort that I have been so desperatley needing. The love of our family is easily seen, for so many to come and travel just to bring their love and strength brings a great amount of gratitude that overwhelms my spirit. The support of a loving family, a family that would come to administer a preisthood blessing and rise the next morning to journey back home, a love so strong that you can't deny their care and concern for you. The many prayers, phone calls, text messages, emails that are flooding in brings a deep joy knowing that we will are loved by many.    
  Thursday comes, day of surgery, I feel strong, optomistic, and silly. Grateful again for family watching over my precious baby boy so I can spend the day at the hospital. I try my best to calm my sweet husbands nerves, and bring a smile or a laugh. I am not breaking through well, but know that he is grateful for my love. The surgery went well, so the doctor says, he is pleased to find that the tumor was encapsulated within the testicle. We will see you in a week or so to follow up. I sit and wait in the waiting room, not allowed to be by his side until he is ready to come home. The doctor said it would take about an hour for Eric to come to and be ready to go home, the clock is ticking an hour passes and still no one coming to tell me to get my car ready, I watch and wait as others leave, and then the moment comes when the double doors open and an instant smile comes to my face and a rush of love as I see the love of my life sitting in a wheel chair getting rolled out to me. There is no greater feeling in this world then love, and there is no one in this world that is more deserving of all of the love that I have to offer (and of course my sweet innocent Kaizen).
  The next few days are good, it feels like we are healing now. The research begins on the appropriate diet to maintain to bring the nutrients needed to assist in the healing of cancer. The words that are said and read are hard to hear, can it be possible that the foods that I prepare and feed to my family are something that causes cancer? Am I the cause of the pain that my husband is going through? Of course the answer is no, but the thoughts continue to enter my mind. I try to sort thru the areas that I feel like we can improve and focus my efforts on the things that are going to give strenghth and help in eliminating the possibilites of creating a place for cancer to survive in the body. There is a lot to learn.
   Eric is feeling pretty good within a few days, his attitude is starting to change and I begin to get a glimpse again at what I would call the normal Eric. The worry sets in on wondering if the cancer has spread, but overall our spirits seem to be lifted. We went in for scans on this last Wednesday, hopeful that we caught it in time and we will continue to be on the road to healing. Follow up on the scans Friday, we are on our way to the doctor talking about what we are going to do that night, planning to take Kaizen swimming, have a BBQ, and color eggs. We sit and wait for the doctor to come in and we hear that the cancer has spread. The devastation sets in again, and the emotions and thoughts are overwhelming. Chemo will now be necessary and chances for another surgery are likely.
  My family is in town, so when we arrive home we try to carry on with our plans for the night, Eric chooses to stay home as he is once again feeling very discouraged. That night we cried, scared of what lies ahead, saddness of the lack of attention our child may receive through this, wondering what we are in for, and how we are going to balance this, overwhelmed with the thought of being alone, our family is all out of state and wondering how we are going to get through and what it is going to take to get there.
   The biggest question is wondering what lies ahead? Uncertain of treatment, uncertain of how his body will respond, uncertain if the cancer will continue to spread, uncertain if we are going to the right doctor, uncertain if we should stay here or go home to Utah to be easily surrounded by our family? Uncertain is what is left inside as we try to lay our heads down that night to rest.
   Eric is once again very down, he sits on the couch staring in thought, it breaks my heart to see him this way, he sits at the computer researching all that he can, worried, wondering if we have done the right things so far, feeling like the doctors haven't done enough, the words escape his tounge that he wonders if he will make it through this? As I try to uplift him and give him words of encouragement I just hope that he can find the strength he needs in me. We once again are waiting for the next appointment, we will meet with the oncologist Tuesday to find out what the steps are from here. Please, please, please have some answers for us, that is my desire!
  Through all of this, today of all days is Easter Sunday. A day that we spent reflecting on the Saviors life, his death, his ressurrection. He suffered for me, he suffered for us. He died for me, he died for us. He lives! He lives! I know that my redeemer lives. I have felt the peace that his atonement offers, I felt the words of my Heavenly Father speak directly to me through the preisthood. I find strength in our patriachal blessings and the blessings that we have received. I know that his promised blessings await us. I know that it is through our Savior that we will overcome this. He wil continue to bring the peace, the comfort, the love, the strength into our lives. I have seen his love already through the love, prayers and service of so many. He is mindful of me, he is mindful of my husband. He hears our prayers, and I know that they will be answered.
And now I will close my day in a humble prayer, and rest from the worries that life as we know it now brings.